New Year? It’s got to be better than the last one?

I remember talking to people during 2015 who said your going to be glad when this year’s over. So I thought I’m going to work on 2 blogs. One with how bad things have been and one with the good things.

I started this blog what feels like months ago and I can’t believe the new year is now only a day away.

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Bad things from 2015

January
* started to suspect my marriage was coming to an end.

February
* I knew my marriage was over. (While away for a weekend for my birthday)

April
* take dog#1 to vet for boosters and I’m told she has a tumor and might not have long left.

May (start of)
* found a hotel room booked for my husband and his bit on the side.

May (middle of)
* My best friends dog is diagnosed with terminal cancer and given 1-2 months to live.

May (end of)
* my husband informs me that he can’t find the perfect place to live yet but we are now living separate lives in the same house? A few days later he accuses me of having an affair? (I though living separate lives would imply you could see anyone else if you wanted to, and I wasn’t!)

June
* husband moves out and is back everyday for one excuse or another.

August
* dog#1 is diagnosed with incontinence and the mass is growing.

September
* my sister in law, her partner and their child decide to come and stay with me for 2 nights? (This still confuses me months on, this isn’t normal right?)

October
* major fall out with my X because I introduce my new man.

November
* new man’s relative becomes more unwell (terminally ill before we met)
* Dog#2 bites me defending food. I have kids so that means she has to be re-homed.
* The bank messed up and my X has had access to my bank account this whole time.
* My older dog is put to sleep.
* I have to tell my X he can not have the kids on an unscheduled day as we already have plans. This eventually ends with me having to say I will phone the police if he doesn’t leave me alone.

December 
* I’ve started to struggle sleeping through the night.
* I now think my work and patience is being effected by my x’s tantrums.
* initial mediation appointment is scheduled following my X stating that if we can’t discuss things we need to do it through mediation. (Translated I said no to him so we need mediation)

Good things from 2015
June
* first met my new man.

July
* decided I was going to move on with life and booked to go away for a weekend with the kids in October.
* Friends and family find out about my new man.

September
* my new man first met the kids.
* We discovered my sons love aeroplanes following an air show.
* I started blogging (which started with a review).

October
* I started blogging about my life.
* Went away for the weekend with my man and the kids. And it went great.
*Booked to go on holiday next year.
* My friends met my man and it went well.
* First encounter of being sick with alcohol. (Yes I’m putting this on my good list)

November
* dog trainer assesses dog #2 and says that I actually have a dog that is trained well. Have written a blog about this.
* my new man and I are honest about our feelings for each other.

December
* I delete my X and his family off social media sites. I’m surprised how liberating this is!

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Blogging a therapy – post 3

Seems there is starting to be a pattern as to when I need to post. Every 2-3 days. Is that really how long things can remain calm or neutral for? Surely there must be a bigger aim than that.

My weekend has actually been good until Sunday night. Christmas activities done with the boys. And while they were with their dad I got things I needed to do around the house and some more Christmas shopping.

The boys came home last night (15 min early by his request) and I remember thinking good they are with me for 5 nights, I’ll be able to get some routine and also hopefully little contact with my X husband.

So I was wrong (that seems to be happening a lot recently).

The kids were badly behaved. I do understand how difficult this is for them and it always takes a few days to get back to a ‘normal’ routine. So they get some leeway the first night and it gradually gets less as the time passes.

But although the kids have been like this, I’m not feeling well and I’m tired. I’m surprisingly in quite a good mood.

Then I got a text from my X husband asking if we can have a 10min chat. In summary he wanted to change when he had the kids again – which I said no to since he chose the days in the first place. Then he told me that things that I was posting on social media were inappropriate – this was one of these quiz things that analyse your profile and comes up with 5 reasons to love me.

Then he thinks that since the last conversation ended badly we should chat to make it better. Well an hour later with me mainly listening to his feelings and him telling me how negative I am. I can say again I’ve had enough!

Really all I wanted was an early night. Then next thing I know it’s nearly 10pm and I’ve been listening to my X go on about his feelings for almost and hour (and it’s the 2nd call to him in the night).

I’ve been hearing a lot recently about karma, I hope there really is some truth to it.

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Blogging a therapy – post 2

I don’t even know where to start for how wrong today as went. Work hasn’t went very smoothly. But ignoring that I got this text to round of my morning.

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Now all I asked for was for the kids to come back 2 hours earlier on the 2nd so that we could go and visit people. I am going abroad for a week with the boys which is the time away he is talking about. And I suppose everyone can guess “talk rationally” means getting what I want.

Well I suppose I’m fed up with him making all the decisions and responded to this which escalated into another argument. Although my first reply I think was pleasant with me offering to come and go. He’s basically told me no and It’s tough he’s doing what he wants.

Again same as from yesterday, I’m fed up with this. I don’t even know how to explain how I feel. I just want to move forward. I want to stop dredging up anything that gone wrong in the past and move on for the kids. But he doesn’t seem able to do this.

He wants to talk about Christmas and I’m not sure what else there is to say. So when he drops the boys off I explain I have a lot planned this week and I really don’t have time to talk to him. It’s either tonight or it might be more than a week later.

So he texts saying we can try and talk. By the end of the call he’s got his way so he’s happy.

I don’t know if I should be happy is over again and things can be settled for a while or annoyed that he’s basically pushed again and got what he wanted. Really I was looking for the boys to be back two hours earlier, I even tried to compromise for 1 hour. Are things really going to be this petty?

Blogging a therapy – post 1

So I said I was going to post more often as I found it “therapeutic” and good for getting rid of my tensions. Turns out it’s harder to follow your own ideas than it should be.

So my day has petty much went like this. Hide in a mangers office for an hour so that I can get some of my work done without interruptions. Attend a few meetings and then work generally passed without incident.

During lunch I had arranged to have a phone consultation with a mediator who will decide if she can help my ex and I talk properly. It seemed positive with her questioning why I was so flexible with him and that they wouldn’t be doing that as an organisation.

Then after this call I started getting calls from my parents telling me it was all a trick, don’t talk to a mediator, how do I know who I’m talking to. While this is true it really is not helping me just now!

But things got better later, I met my new man from work, which is always good and went to pick up the kids. We had a nice dinner together then I took the kids to their dads for the night like planned.

My ex and I have been meant to meet for the last week to discuss Christmas plans but its not happened. Probably mainly because we had an argument the week before and I can’t face more confrontation.

Then as I’m sitting at night he starts to add things into our childcare calendar app… So it doesn’t seem like we are discussing this. He’s going to decide.

Texts go back and forth and get nowhere. I decide to phone and get this conversation over with.

I’m sure it’s clear already that this didn’t go great. But we seemed to negotiate and things went OK. Well until the end when I said something he didn’t like and he hung up on me again.

I hate the way that this makes me feel. I can’t even explain how I feel about it. I’ve just had enough, I don’t need to be putting up with this anymore.

Daily blog posts may be the counseling that I need.

So things haven’t been great recently. In fact honestly they have been completely shit. Maybe I’m more optimistic than pessimistic and that’s helping me through this time.

I’ve had a lying, cheating, controlling husband. Who thankfully I’m not with anymore, but the manipulation and control has continued. My kids are young, but that doesn’t make it easier on us all. In fact since their sleep pattern is so effected it’s clear how hard it is on them.

But more positively I’ve met someone new, I’ve moved on. I didn’t think I’d be able to feel love for someone else so quickly. And trust someone again. But I do!

He’s great and after convincing me to talk to him about what’s been going on in my head recently I feel so much better. He’s the only person that knows me and knows that I’ve been blogging. We spoke about the outlet that it provides for me, and it’s something that we both think I should be trying to do more regularly.

So I’m going to try and post a new blog every 2nd day or maybe everyday. Sometimes I won’t have much to say and other times I will.

I think this will give me a better chance to see both the positive and negative things that are going on in my life.

A drunken blog

This is the first time I’ve thought to pick up my phone and blog after drinking alcohol. Probably because I can’t sleep and I’m hoping it will tire me out somehow.

I’m not going to lie, recently life has been shit. I’m going to be filing for divorce soon, I’m a single mother to two children. And at times things seem pointless and so hard that it’s not worth going on.

But tonight as I can’t sleep I realise things aren’t really that bad. I have people in my life who love me and want the best for me. I have two great children who I wouldn’t swap for the world. And my new man. He wants to hear all the shit I’ve been keeping from him so that he can support me fully.

Don’t get me wrong my list of issues and baggage is growing by the day but it’s like a weight has been lifted just to know that someone wants to listen and not judge me.

Maybe things won’t be that bad and will work out okay. I suppose time will tell.