Traveling again

Long flight almost over. Oddly I had been looking forward to this part as it was time for just the two of us.

At last we were going to start our time away together.

Still the kids are never far from mind, we’ve spoke about them several times today already.

Vegas here we come.

Entertainment systems didn’t work to start with and I’ve had an old man next to me that thinks both arm rests are his with his oversized newspaper.

Gathering everything together as we will soon disembark and collect our luggage before going to the hotel.

A long day of traveling over and we are shattered. All I want to do is go in and get to sleep. It’s 4am my time after all and I slept very little on the flight.

Suite upgrade when we arrive!  This is a very good start!

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Lost for words

Following the last “talk” with my ex that didn’t go well I wasn’t in any rush to talk any more or even ever again.

But since we have children this clearly wasn’t actually an option. He was watching the children while I went away for a week, in theory this shouldn’t be a problem as he complains he doesn’t get enough time with the kids. But in reality he took every opportunity to have a go at me for going away without them.

So the day finally comes where I’m dropping the kids off and getting ready to travel. I hadn’t been looking forward to leaving the kids and couldn’t understand why my new man was insistent that he was coming with me while the kids were dropped off. (He was waiting in car) I asked why he wanted to be there and his explanation was simply “if he gives you shit and your upset I’m going to be there for you this time”

Amazingly the drop off went well he was civil and I left happy that the kids were happy.

I dropped them off about 5pm and then these texts started coming in.

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This has caused me a lot of distress and upset until a few things were pointed out. My oldest is 4 years old, he is not worried about my relationship. Less than a few days before he asked me if my new man could live with us as he wanted him to be part of our family! The only person that is having problems with my relationship is my ex. It is him that wants to understand what is going on with my relationship not my 4 Year old!

I don’t doubt for a minute that my son is confused. But I have never once said to him why daddy doesn’t live with us anymore. Even though I’m desperate to shout “cause he’s a lying cheat that can’t be trusted, who blamed your 1 year old sibling for us separating and not his years of dishonestly”

Holiday anticipation

So months ago I booked to go on holiday and my new guy is coming with me. I may need to find a better name for him as he’s not really that new in my life anymore. I can’t believe that in a few months we will have been together for a year.

When we first booked it was really exciting. I love going away and escaping reality for a while. But then reality set in. I’m leaving my kids with their Dad for a week… while I go away. I know the kids will be fine, but it’s a week without them. I’ve not been away from them for so long before. I’ve been feeling sick at the thought of not being with them and thinking that I really did not think this one through fully and got carried away in the excitement.

But it’s booked and paid for so I will carry on. It doesn’t help that I’m still have the dreaded “talks” with my ex and he is laying it on thick that he doesn’t know how I could leave the boys for a week. My kids and my new man get on great and they love each other. My oldest started to ask where I was going on holiday and I instead tried to focus his attention on the fun he is going to have with their Dad and I didn’t tell their Dad that my new man was coming with us until a few days before we were going. I just didn’t need that extra hassle. But the first thing he did when he found out was tell the kids. So now they feel even more left out. When I tried to explain to my ex that I wanted the boys to think of this as time with their Dad to have fun and not what they were missing out on with me I was told I should have thought about that before I went away without them.

But I really just can’t win with this guy. I went away for a week with the kids at the start of the year and all I heard about was how much he was going to miss the kids and how could I take them away from him for a week.

As it gets very close to leaving the excitement is taking over the dread. I know once I’m there it will be fine and the week will fly by. Hopefully I’ll be allowed to talk to the kids while I’m away…

Where do I start this time?

Sometimes it feels like I just come on here to moan. But life is hard, divorce and being a single parent is hard. And knowing there are other people with the same difficulties helps.

I don’t understand my ex’s need to meet up and talk so often. It’s like a final bit of control. I don’t remember him wanting to talk this much when we were together. So why now?

We met less than a month ago and it went fairly well. It was amicable. But today we needed to meet again apparently and it was a disaster.

I was sitting listening to him tell me that I was a liar and all my lies caused our problems and if I didn’t stop lying it would ruin my current relationship as well. It was at that point that I realised I didn’t need to sit and listen to this. So I got up and walked out.

Unfortunately he followed me and caught up less than 5 minutes later. Of course I over reacted this was all my fault again…

Does this get easier at some point. Surely it has to.

D.I.V.O.R.C.E

Don’t ever forget what you’ve been through to get where you are today and why you are going through it in the first place.

It feels like I’ve lost control. I couldn’t imagine how much my life has changed in the last year… and didn’t predict it happening.

Voices have been raised and tears have been shed but someday the dust will begin to settle.

Order has been lost in the world that I once new and lived in. But I wouldn’t have it back. Not knowing what I now know.

Reality hurts and I’m realising the fights may be reducing but they are never going to stop.

Coming to terms with this reality allows us to move on, will allow me to move on. I’ve grew and became a better, stronger person.

Everyone deserves happiness. I believe I have another chance, but the past… the memories have a way of making things difficult.

Paranoid parents – I hope it’s not heredity

So I’ve just put my youngest son back to bed for about the tenth time. I wonder why he’s getting up tonight when he normally sleeps okay? Maybe he’s not well, maybe he has some life threatening disease that keeps him coming into my room at night? Or maybe it’s because I have an overly paranoid mother!

Eleven times (youngest)
Four times (oldest)

Ok so let me explain. Last weekend I started to have a sore eye. By Monday it was still sore and my vision was getting a bit blurry. So I made an appointment with the optician who sent me to the opthamologist at the hospital on the Tuesday. By the time I went to the hospital I had limited sight in my eye. After two hours of tests I was told I had swelling behind my eye and it should clear up by itself.

Twelve times (youngest)

Now raising two children by yourself just got harder with only one eye! So I did what doesn’t come naturally… I asked for help and I took time off work to heal.

Thirteen times (youngest)

I contacted my ex husband to explain what was going on and that I needed him to take the kids more and let me try to rest. He agreed.

I asked my mother to help too, I just wanted her to help drop the kids off places for one day, since I now can’t drive. But instead of getting to rest today I’ve been dragged wherever the kids have been and I’ve had to walk to keep her company. This doesn’t feel much like resting. I’ve also been told I’m in a bad mood, of course I am I want to be taking it easy! It would have been easier keeping the kids at home! Then I have to hear about how my ex is up to something and I should keep the kids myself. If it was that easy why isn’t she helping me to watch them!

Fourteen times (youngest)

So once the day is over and with my rubbish vision I read the clock wrong and the kids end up in bed asleep earlier than normal (by 7.20pm). I decide that I’m going to do the same, I’m shattered and I hope that sleeping will help my sight. I talk to both of my parents on the phone and I’m asleep by 8pm.

Around 10pm I’m woken by my youngest crying I sort him out and head back to bed. Then around 10.15pm he gets out of bed and the dog starts going daft. I shout at the dog to tell her it’s just my youngest up. But no then my front door opens and it’s my dad! Because I haven’t answered any of my mums calls he’s been sent to check I’m okay! I have 5 missed calls on the mobile and 2 messages, and 2 missed calls on the house phone!

Fifteen times (youngest)

Please tell me this paranoia isn’t heredity. I couldn’t put my kids or anyone through this.

So for me meant to be resting I’ve now had both kids as well as myself woken up. I’ve got the oldest back to sleep but clearly my youngest isn’t playing the game and keeps getting out of bed. Soon I’m going to leave him to sleep on my floor.

How can someone that is so paranoid actually make things so much worse. It’s now 11.15pm and only my oldest has got back to sleep.