Firstly I want to say that I don’t see myself as a victim although my training shows that I am. I’m sure I’ve never directly stated where I work or what I do on here. I find people make judgements and this is something I would rather avoid. I posted a while ago about my ex husband being charged with a domestic offence against me and the months after. What I don’t think I mentioned was that I worked in the Social Work Team dealing with Criminal Justice reports and more recently managing a case load.
Over the past few months I have been considering how appropriate it is for me to work in this area following the charge against my ex husband. My working role includes writing reports for people who have been convicted of a domestic offence against their partner or former partner. More recently my role has also managed domestic offenders and completing work with them to reduce the likelihood of reoffending.
We were sent an email at work a few months ago to nominate ourselves for domestic abuse awareness training in relation to writing the reports. The email said it was compulsory and so I chose a date and sent it away. During the morning of the training a previous manager caught my eye and signed to me that I should leave if I needed to. She had supported me through the offence going to court and realised before I did that this course was going to have a negative impact on me. I sat through the morning session and realised that I was taking little in and slowly withdrawing. I didn’t want to be part of this training and I wanted a way to escape. So I took notes, lots of notes about the course. When we were asked to do group work, I said little. I realised at that time that I needed to change where I work and quickly.
At the morning coffee break the manager came to sit with me and said she was sorry I should have never been asked to come on this training. And then I explained to her that today was also the day that my ex is back in court for sentencing. She took one look at me and told me that I shouldn’t be there and to go back to the office and work. The relief was instant. But on the drive back I realised that what had been difficult about this was that I had been abused in other ways psychologically and I had never realised it. That’s what was effecting me the most.
I hate that my ex husband has done this to me. I wanted to work in Criminal Justice and now I cant even face the work that I trained to do. I realised during the morning session that I could no longer do this and I need to change the sector that I work in. In the next few days an application should be submitted for me to transfer to a different department and hopefully I will get a transfer quickly.
The call to tell me what happened in court didn’t come through until 4.30pm. He was admonished for the domestic and fined for the driving offence. I have to say this makes me question my work further. What is the point in writing reports for the court if they make up their own minds anyway and drag people through court for there to be no real repercussions.
I started this blog a few months ago before life got hectic. But now after my reflection blog I think this is the time to go back and finish this.
boyfriend (sounds like we are kids), my partner (sounds like a work thing), my other half (just meh nothing else). Hang on I’ve got it. To my beacon of love (sorry inside joke, that’s if he remembers saying that).
I don’t say it enough how much you mean to me and how much I rely on you. It’s all the little things together that makes me love you more.
We’ve not had the best 1st year together. But you’ve stood by me when others would have ran. Your right I probably wasn’t ready for a relationship. But I fell for you hard when I let my guard down and gave into what I was feeling for you. But this is something I don’t tell you enough.
I was used to doing everything myself and someone pretending that they were there for me. But now I really do have you with me always. You’ve been with to every appointment at the MS clinic which you know means so much to me. There are times when I’ve wanted to give up and run away but you’ve kept me strong. Even just to listen to my moans or dry my tears.
The same can be said about the court case where still all I can think about is the nightmare of giving evidence which still haunts me some nights and then running into your arms when they finally stopped after two hours of me giving evidence. I can still see the concern on your face and your anger in your voice as you asked “what the hell happened in there”.
But as I love you more and more each day I find myself becoming more distant with you when I want the complete opposite. I want to give you everything and I know that’s what you want (you tell me often enough).
I have no problem telling you that I love you and I do tell you often. But I really struggle to compliment you and tell you what I’m actually thinking. But then recently I realised I cant cope with getting compliments from you either. I have my reasons and this is something I want to work on and improve in our relationship and I want your help to do it.
What happens when you look in the mirror and you don’t like the person you’ve become. Or been made into.
I know I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and its probably just starting to ease off and that’s why my body is reacting this way. I feel so tired and I don’t know if its the stress, the pressure I’ve put on myself or my Multiple Sclerosis.
I’m continually being made to look at my past just now and the decisions I’ve made. And quite honestly I’ve had enough. I just feel fed up in general and that’s effecting my day to day mood and my patience.
I’ve had time to reflect on the things that I’m not happy about just now and something has started to become obvious to me. I don’t like parts of the person I’ve become.
When I think about it now I realise that I have probably experienced years of emotional abuse. But as I start to reflect on the things about myself that I’m not happy about then I start to realise what I can do to fix them and why I’m not happy about them.
My partner and I have worked through trust issues and other emotional scars from previous relationships but my latest realisation I wasn’t aware of until a few days ago. I’m realising that I’m holding back on so many things within my personal relationships. I don’t think I was at the start of our relationship and I only have one reason for that. I didn’t care, I could be myself and if my new partner didn’t like it then he could go and find someone else and so would I. But I’m forgetting that’s the person he fell in love with.
But now I’ve fallen in love my previous experience tells me that if I do something wrong then I pay for that emotionally and he’ll treat me like crap. So I defend myself and hold back so that I don’t get hurt again.
My partner and I used to pride ourselves on our communication. If we had a problem then we spoke about it, but recently we’ve lost that. I think that is both our faults as talking didn’t actually make things better for a while, it just made us relive what was already bothering us.
But as our lives start to move on and we move on together then we need to start communicating again like we did before.
The kids have started to affectionately call it “the broken house”
I’ve not been sure where to start this post so I thought I might say it through pictures instead.
What I thought we were moving into.
What we got.
The walls are being damp proofed after years of damage.
And the kitchen had a burst pipe under the floorboards that no one seemed to know about causing dampness and rotting floorboards.
So the kitchen was stripped back to the joists. Which were also ruined through damp.
I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is depression, but I know I might need to look into it in the near future. I’ve done a lot of research on MS symptoms and side effects.
One of the things I’ve read is that people need to be aware of is that MS seems to be linked to depression. I can understand it, personally I’ve been fortunate. Before the onset of MS I had perfect vision and was fairly active, in fact I had recently took up jogging before my diagnosis. Now my vision needs a minor prescription and I’m not quite as active. But others are left with debilitating conditions and a decrease in their ability to manage independently.
I’ve been dealing with a lot recently: a bad house move, raising 2 children myself, MS diagnosis and not to forget my ex husband appearing in court for a domestic offence against myself.
But I was surprised when sitting at the theatre about a week ago I got into a conversation with the lady next to me and her three children. Her children who were in their 30’s each had a mild learning disability. However the one sitting next to her had a severe fear of heights and since we were in the first row at the highest section this wasn’t a good combination. He was anxious whenever someone stood up and if anyone put their coat or a drink on the ledge in front of our seats. It may have been the alcohol but I found myself thinking about how easy it would be to jump over the edge and stop all these difficulties in my life. One jump and I would have no more court cases, no more being told what to do, no more arguments, no more fighting, no more tiredness. Just peace.