Part 2 – please I’m begging if you don’t have anything unconfrontational to say. Just don’t say anything at all!

So I knew the conversations we’ve been having can’t possibly be over this quickly. I then get this message a few hours later.

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I’m busy, I really just don’t have time for this right now. And it won’t be quick it will be hours and I have things to do. So I put it off till later.

Surprisingly days pass, and even an amicable outing with the kids and this isn’t mentioned. Maybe it’s over and we won’t need to go through it again.

We spoke last night about the kids and I gave him the option to talk about this too. Clearly it was another heat of the moment thing and he has more interesting things to occupy him now.

But it will probably be raised again just who knows when.

Love? So many questions without easy answers.

I recently got out of a long term relationship and have started a new relationship but now I have more questions than answers again.

What is a rebound relationship?
I knew my marriage was over in February, but didn’t officially separate until May, he moved out in June. I met my man in June just after he moved out. I went a little wild (or wild for me) and saw a few different guys between May-June so I don’t feel I jumped into this relationship. It just kinda happened.

We met up most weekends to start with and I won’t lie it made sure I was kept busy while the kids weren’t there. We went out drinking and I probably socialised more then than I have for a long time.

But really I’m not a big drinker and either is he. So soon our nights became staying in watching films or chatting. With the occasional night out.

I’ve been hurt several times in the past. Mainly through cheating but I just trust this guy. He gives me no reason to doubt him and reassured me on the occasions that I’ve needed it.

I worry that I’ve really just entered a rebound relationship. But then would I feel the desire at really odd times to tell him that I love him?

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I’ve been thinking of previous relationships when I’ve told people I love them. I can’t remember who said it first or anything about it.

Although I think I might remember one and being in a panic since I didn’t feel the same.

Now I’m confused that I feel I want to say I love you but I don’t know if it’s the right time. Should I tell him in a special way or more likely for me blurt it out one day when I’m not thinking and I don’t have my brain to mouth filter switched on. But I’m nearly saying it more and more so one day it’s going to come out before I realise what I’ve said.

But is it a problem to tell someone that you love them? I’m pretty sure he feels the same the way he looks at me. So what am I waiting for really?

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If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Or is it just me?

It may be obvious from my previous blogs that I don’t make a point of getting into hostile situations. If I find myself in a hostile situation I will do my best to diffuse and move on. No benefit to focusing on the past.

So following on from the arguments i was having with my exhusband I thought I would try to move forward. He says he wants to be amicable. But I’m not actually sure if he knows how to be. I was going to give a description of the messages sent between us earlier but I though it would be easier just to post them. This follows on from me receiving a lot of verbal abuse for introducing someone new to them,and less than a week later he decides to do the same, but at this point I didn’t know if he had (but that’s another blog). The green posts to the right are me.

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(Just for information, I haven’t been seeing my man since before my ex moved out. And my ex had an affair which is why he moved out)

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I then stop replying as I’ve learnt that replying doesn’t help me or get us anywhere in the conversation as I know he’s starting to get frustrated with me.

He brings the kids back and wants to talk. I don’t! I don’t like him being in the house anymore and he often won’t leave when I ask him too.

So he starts by saying I’m a bit worried you are pushing this new guy on the kids and that’s not good for them. So I ask what do you think I should do wait till the kids say that they are ready? He at least replied that they are 4 and 2 that’s not going to happen. So at least I’ve got a little bit of sense from him. But I don’t know what he’s talking about this is new to me and I don’t know what I’m meant to do.
So my next question what is pushing them? And what is he planning to do? Have the kids meet his girlfriend once a week or once a month how is pushing defined? I think of myself as a genuine person, I wasn’t trying to get a reaction or cause a fight I want the answers and if he knows I’m in the wrong then he should know how to do it right?

He told me he doesn’t know he’s just trying to help me be a better mother and walked out. I’m annoyed he’s just done what he’s done for years, had a go at me, walked out, and made this all my fault.

But somehow I know this isn’t over.

Meeting someone new after separation and introducing them to the kids.

I never thought I’d be in this position. I never thought I’d have to think about what is acceptable and what is socially acceptable when introducing new partners to children.

I met a great guy. I’ll be honest I didn’t think at first that it would be anything serious. I just wanted to start moving on or at least pretend I was moving on from my failed marriage. There had been odd flings before we met so at least it didn’t completely feel like a rebound relationship.

When I watch how he looks at me I can tell how much he likes me. I’m not sure if it could already be love. But my confusion couldn’t allow me to feel anything other than confused. As the weeks turned into months I realised that I was falling for him too. We had a great time together and it just came naturally from both of us.

We have a mutual friend with a child so the next natural progression would be for us all to meet and to introduce him to the children and see if he ran a mile or not. I can’t even begin to explain how well this went.

A short while after I had booked to go away for a weekend with the kids and we discussed several times if he should come with us. But I hadn’t told my ex that I had moved on so I didn’t want to deal with that conflict. Not right now. In fact maybe never!

My parents were great they met him over dinner one night and encouraged me to take him away with me and the kids. I think they thought it would give me extra support. But we didn’t need much encouragement it just felt right. He surprisingly got time off work easily and we were organising to go away. It was really exciting but also nerve racking. This was expecting someone with no kids to deal with 2 for a whole long weekend.

Again he exceeded any expectations that I could have possibly had. He was great with the boys and we all genuinely had a great time.

I knew that my oldest son would be quizzed by his father when we returned. However I thought I would deal with it when I had to. We discussed it and we knew that I was going to get hell for introducing anyone new to the kids.

My ex phoned and wanted to know what was going on as what our son was saying wasn’t making much sense. I deliberately discussed the things that needed to be discussed first as I knew he would go into a blind rage when he knew the truth. And then nothing further would be discussed.

Well I told him honestly what had happened and he did exactly what I expected. He shouted, he swore, he was furious. And all I could think about was that he needed to calm down, he had the kids with him. I didn’t know what to say so I answered few questions, stayed as calm as I could and sat it out for what I thought was the sake of the kids, and maybe part of me thought I deserved it. If he took his anger out on me. Then maybe he wouldn’t be angry with the kids. I wanted to speak to my oldest to make sure that he was okay and that I would pick him up and take him home if he wanted me to. My ex refused to let me talk to him. He pretended to ask which consisted of him saying “here you go” then no he doesn’t want to talk to you. I didn’t know what to do. Should I go and get the kids or should I wait this out. I was pretty confident the kids would be fine and they didn’t need more confrontation. I didn’t hear from the kids for the next few days. My ability as a parent had been questioned and I started to believe I might not get the kids back when I went for them. It was awful but I see now it was more manipulation and control.

The kids were dropped off at mine and I was told that the activities that I had planned at the weekend the children no longer wanted to do with me and they were doing with him. Again I was furious and for the first time I started to plot my revenge. I spoke to my new guy which calmed me down. I could now deal with this.

I phoned and had a reasonable amicable phone call with him and felt better after. We agreed at the weekend the kids would decide what they wanted to do. I felt more in control again.

In the end I’ve decided that everyone deserves to be happy. And if you get that chance with someone you can’t not be happy because it will upset your ex-partner.

I’m fed up walking on egg shells, I need to live for my children and myself. After all a happy mother will have happy children.

Abuse of love or simply just love?

It’s not until I’ve been separated from my husband for several months that I start to reflect and I’m shocked at what I allowed to go on in our relationship. From very early on he had conversations with people online that in my opinion were very suggestive and inappropriate. This continued throughout our 9 years together and right now I can think of 4 occasions that I know about. Then there were the public things too, I remember him posting on a social media site that love and marriage goes together like a chocolate fireguard shortly after we were married.

At the time these things were upsetting and hurtful. But now it’s the emotional impact and turmoil of his actions which is exhausting! He says that he wants to be friends and have an amicable relationship for our children. But then I get verbal abuse everytime there is something I don’t do right. Which leaves me feeling like I’m walking on eggshells.

We have two children together. Now I will admit myself that I am not the most tidy person. But I have priorities. And the kids always came first. He got a few weeks off after the birth of our first child and we were in that euphoric bliss. But it didn’t last. Soon the comments started “what have you been doing all day!” With the tone and the looks this statement translated was “why isn’t the house tidy, what have you been doing?” This continued, but it was something that I just became used to.

Then we began to want a second child. I fell pregnant quickly. This time I had no worries about my pregnancy or how I would cope with a new born. I had done this before and would manage fine. My biggest difference was that I now had 2 children under 3 and I was studying to progress my career. I got up with both children through the night and recovered from a natural labour.

This time my husband didn’t get as long off with us before going back to work. My first day by myself went well. We walked the dogs, my oldest child got to playgroup on time, dinner was on the table when my husband came home. And his first question was “what have you done all day, it’s a bit of a mess” which was closely followed by maternity leave isn’t that difficult and I could manage better than you. (This is the guy who has never had the kids by himself for more than 2 nights without getting his mother down to help… Just saying)

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When I talk to people about what I’ve experienced they often ask did he ever touch you or hurt you. I answer honestly no but I believe it was heading that way if we had stayed together. There were 2 occasions which makes me believe this. Before we officially separated I came home one night after being out with a friend. I was probably more confident as I’d had a few drinks and asked him to see his phone as I was sure he was cheating on me. His reaction I don’t think I’ll ever forget. He jumped out of bed and got right into my face with his body rigid and arms pushed back so he could shout at me louder. All I can remember is him telling me to leave and get out the house. I said I wasn’t leaving and went to bed. He came after me and pulled the covers off me screaming to get out of bed and leave. I did get out of bed, checked that the children were still asleep and phoned my parents to help me. I should have left that night but I was scared that since I had been drinking (he says he had 1 or 2, but I didn’t find this out till later) that the children would be considered unsafe.

The next time I have no idea what we were arguing about. Again he told me to leave and this was followed by him pushing shoulder. This was during the day, no alcohol involved so I know this time his behaviour was completely him.

Things were gradually getting worse between us and for some reason I was still fighting to save what we used to have. Then one day there was an odd conversation about if we would ever have more children. I can’t remember his exact comment. But it was along the lines that our current problems were already due to our second child coming along!

During all of this was my birthday. The year before I had surprised him by taking him away. So he reciprocated by doing the same for me. I remember sitting in the hotel room looking at him knowing it was over. He couldn’t sit next to me and couldn’t even look at me. We had became just friends, if that. The next morning at breakfast I was fully aware of this and started crying while in the dinning room. I left and sorted myself out before returning to finish breakfast. I remember thinking at the time that this didn’t even bother him, he just kept eating. Traveling home was awful as it was just fighting the whole way. And to make matters worse we were going home to his mum watching the kids and staying another night with us.

When we did finally admit that it was over and started to move on it didn’t make things easier overnight. There was still how we split up possessions, our house and finances. This in itself always annoyed me as he never disputed what happened with the children or how often he would see them. So soon we were arguing over money and how we would split it. One day when he brought the kids back I said that I wanted to talk about how we were splitting our savings as I didn’t think it was the fairest way that we were doing it. It was like a firework went off. He started shouting and screaming that I don’t deserve more than him (he was already getting the bigger share). Then he started going round each room in our house grabbing anything that he thought should be his. This ranged from things that were genuinely his. To the clothes dryers (the metal frames for drying clothes) to the camera that he’s never used, to pulling the kids DVD player out the wall.

And as I reread this before posting I remember other things which should never have happened in a genuine loving relationship. In fact there are probably too many to go into.

Things are better now as we are not staying together so his outbursts are more manageable as he will leave after or they are over the phone. Now though it’s apparent that he’s watching what I do. I get texts stating “that’s an odd post you liked on facebook” or “I thought you were free as I seen you had just been on whatsapp.” But it’s still taking time for me to realise that all of this is abuse and control which shouldn’t be happening in any relationship.

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Separation, divorce and the kids.

As I dry my eyes from reading others blogs about their separation and the impact that it’s had on their kids I wonder really what is best for the kids.

Yes I believe I’m happier without my husband but the stresses of being a single parent make me wonder what I should be doing to make things the best they can be for my kids.

As we live in a world where our every important and not so important life moment is posted on facebook, twitter or any other social media. Where does it leave our privacy and how do you publicly advertise that your happy marriage is now over and your relationship status is back to single. Do you delete every trace of the person from your social sites or ignore the fact that anythings changed.

Thankfully this was easier for me as my husbands first reaction was to delete his social media sites for a few months. But these are permanent fixtures in our lives. One day our children will be able to look at the history of our posts and photos and see the things we got up to and make up their own minds about our separation.

It’s only been a few months but it feels like a life time already. But as we’ve been caught up in this web of lies, deceit and confusion what is happening to the kids?

I have 2 children, a 4 year old and a 1 year old. I hope young enough to not be effected by this change too much. To hopefully take it in their stride, as kids do.

But I know my mood changes day to day and hour to hour. And unfortunately kids will be kids and their playful misbehaving gets a angrier response than is really necessary. Having another person there is nice to back you up or take over before you enter that psycho mum stage.

My husband moved out a few months ago and has regular contact with our children but I can’t help but wonder if this will change and would it be easier without this distant support. My oldest child is possibly showing distress at this situation, but I don’t know how to make it better. Don’t get me wrong he was a nightmare to toilet train, but now he’s starting to have regular accidents again. He was getting up through the night, but that seems to have stopped. But now he’s stopped listening. Nursery has commented on this too and I don’t know if it’s normal 4 year old behavior or an impact that our separation has had on him.

You never really know for sure how our lives will impact our children’s. But I will keep going though each day with the support of my family and friends and make it through the other side. I will work hard to provide for my children and I will nourish, love and protect them.

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Day 3. Menstrual cup less stress or a bloody mess?

I put off doing anything with the cup when I get up I’m the morning and decide to sort out breakfast to keep the kids out my way.

Taking it out goes OK, I get cleaned up and as I’m putting it back in one of the kids cry out in pain. So I quickly finish putting the cup in and run down stairs hoping that I feel it pop open on the way.
Clearly I didn’t put the cup in anywhere near right as its starting to make its way back out and as I sort things out downstairs I realise quickly that I need to sort out my downstairs!
I get back to the bathroom and take it out, clean it and put it back in.

Again today I’ve been out but not at work so I’ve kept a sanitary pad on for extra back up just in case. So far this has been a waste and all it has done is remind me how hot and sweaty pads are!

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There isn’t anything else to report about day 3. I feel I’m getting the hang of this and my period is usually pretty quick so that’s probably me for another month.