Attacked by my own pet??

For those following my blog you’ll know I’ve not been having a lot of luck recently. But it hit an all time low the other week.

It felt like one thing after another one day last week which was finished by our pet dog who we have had for 6 years biting me.

I wasn’t going to blog about this but as things change with this situation I though it might be interesting or helpful to others as well as myself to hopefully see progression.

One night I was dealing with the kids after dinner and the younger dog (6 year old border collie) jumped up at the dining room table to steal the left over food. I came up behind her and shouted at get to get off the table. I think I might have also tapped her back legs at the same time.

She immediately turned and bit me. She just held onto me and didn’t shake or bite harder which she easily could have. It was really a superficial bite.

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This was straight after!

I think that I shouted at her to let go and what did she think she was doing? But I know I never tried to pull my arm away. She let go and continued to growl at me while cowering. I was left with only two small bruises.

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I bruise very easily!

I had said from the start if any dog ever bites then they have to go. It’s not safe for them to be around children. I started to see if anyone could take her to the vet for me or if someone could watch the kids while I took her.

I was devastated I knew that it wouldn’t be long until I lost my older dog and now I was loosing her too.

No one was about to help with the kids or the dog. So I phoned the dogs trust for advice. They told me that I had to fill out a form to assess if they would take her. Their moto is “they never put a healthy dog down” and I donate every month to them and have done so for several years. It seemed the obvious choice in places to contact.

I got the application form for her the next day, filled it out and sent it back within a few hours.

Now I just had to wait to be told how long it would be before my dog would be re-homed. But at least she would still be alive.

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Time to rid myself of toxic and negative people.

I read a blog by Justinemarie1230  the other day about eliminating toxic people from your life. At the time I enjoyed reading it which feels wrong to say. But it made sense although I don’t think at the time I knew why.

Have a look at the blog here
On creating healthy boundaries

A few days later I’ve went back to read it again (more than once). I don’t think I’ve ever thought about the negative or toxic people that are in my life. Until now…

Until recently I had worked for the same company for 10 years. While most of the time I enjoyed it, the work had a way of taking over your life. This was okay until I had my children, then they had to come first instead. I felt guilty taking time off or not being able to cover shifts because I didn’t have childcare. Eventually I couldn’t do it anymore and had to look for different work. I don’t think I realised how stressful this work had been until I left. When I left after almost 10 years I didn’t receive a card or anything.

Very few people kept in touch, until they learnt about my separation. Then they were all there to “support” me again if I needed it. But I realised I didn’t need these kinds of people in my life and have kept in touch with very few of them.

I enjoy my new job and find it very interesting. But I can’t help but wonder if I’m drawn to toxic environments. I now work with convicted criminals…

Then there is my mother, she doesn’t mean to be negative or toxic. But she stresses about everything, and I mean everything! And then she makes me feel bad if I stress too or if I’m not stressing. Take my separation she knew little of what was going on, apart from my husband had an affair. Apart from the betrayal she felt for herself and her only daughter she felt the need to go out and install security cameras in her house!

I’m not even going to go into how toxic my relationship with my ex-husband was. That’s a separate blog found here. (Abuse of love or simply just love)

Shortly after my marriage ended I began a “friendship” with someone I used to go to school with. I really didn’t want anything serious or was just going to be some fun. This went on for a few weeks and then he backed out saying he was doing it to help me. I later found out he’s depressed and struggling with alcoholism. Although every so often he gets in touch to ask if I want to go round to his house…

Recently I got back in touch with another friend from school. We’ve had occasional contact since we left and he had been living abroad for most of the time since leaving school. He was telling me how much he admired what I was achieving and how lovely my family is. So that conversation obviously led onto the lying cheat that I was married too… But I didn’t expect what was coming next. He told me that his wife was cheating on him so he killed her. I’m still not sure if this is true or if I even want to know!

Then there are some of the people that I truly thought of as friends… I had a conversation the other night with my man about if males in general can be just friends with a female or if they need to try and take it further. That’s when I realised that I think every male I ever thought I was friends with has “hit on me” or “suggested” that we have “one night” or something like that.

I’m surrounded by toxic people and I have never thought about it till now or until I read Justinemarie1230 blog. Maybe I need to reduce the toxic people in my life too or at least limit the contact I have with them.

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Part 2 – please I’m begging if you don’t have anything unconfrontational to say. Just don’t say anything at all!

So I knew the conversations we’ve been having can’t possibly be over this quickly. I then get this message a few hours later.

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I’m busy, I really just don’t have time for this right now. And it won’t be quick it will be hours and I have things to do. So I put it off till later.

Surprisingly days pass, and even an amicable outing with the kids and this isn’t mentioned. Maybe it’s over and we won’t need to go through it again.

We spoke last night about the kids and I gave him the option to talk about this too. Clearly it was another heat of the moment thing and he has more interesting things to occupy him now.

But it will probably be raised again just who knows when.

Love? So many questions without easy answers.

I recently got out of a long term relationship and have started a new relationship but now I have more questions than answers again.

What is a rebound relationship?
I knew my marriage was over in February, but didn’t officially separate until May, he moved out in June. I met my man in June just after he moved out. I went a little wild (or wild for me) and saw a few different guys between May-June so I don’t feel I jumped into this relationship. It just kinda happened.

We met up most weekends to start with and I won’t lie it made sure I was kept busy while the kids weren’t there. We went out drinking and I probably socialised more then than I have for a long time.

But really I’m not a big drinker and either is he. So soon our nights became staying in watching films or chatting. With the occasional night out.

I’ve been hurt several times in the past. Mainly through cheating but I just trust this guy. He gives me no reason to doubt him and reassured me on the occasions that I’ve needed it.

I worry that I’ve really just entered a rebound relationship. But then would I feel the desire at really odd times to tell him that I love him?

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I’ve been thinking of previous relationships when I’ve told people I love them. I can’t remember who said it first or anything about it.

Although I think I might remember one and being in a panic since I didn’t feel the same.

Now I’m confused that I feel I want to say I love you but I don’t know if it’s the right time. Should I tell him in a special way or more likely for me blurt it out one day when I’m not thinking and I don’t have my brain to mouth filter switched on. But I’m nearly saying it more and more so one day it’s going to come out before I realise what I’ve said.

But is it a problem to tell someone that you love them? I’m pretty sure he feels the same the way he looks at me. So what am I waiting for really?

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If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Or is it just me?

It may be obvious from my previous blogs that I don’t make a point of getting into hostile situations. If I find myself in a hostile situation I will do my best to diffuse and move on. No benefit to focusing on the past.

So following on from the arguments i was having with my exhusband I thought I would try to move forward. He says he wants to be amicable. But I’m not actually sure if he knows how to be. I was going to give a description of the messages sent between us earlier but I though it would be easier just to post them. This follows on from me receiving a lot of verbal abuse for introducing someone new to them,and less than a week later he decides to do the same, but at this point I didn’t know if he had (but that’s another blog). The green posts to the right are me.

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(Just for information, I haven’t been seeing my man since before my ex moved out. And my ex had an affair which is why he moved out)

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I then stop replying as I’ve learnt that replying doesn’t help me or get us anywhere in the conversation as I know he’s starting to get frustrated with me.

He brings the kids back and wants to talk. I don’t! I don’t like him being in the house anymore and he often won’t leave when I ask him too.

So he starts by saying I’m a bit worried you are pushing this new guy on the kids and that’s not good for them. So I ask what do you think I should do wait till the kids say that they are ready? He at least replied that they are 4 and 2 that’s not going to happen. So at least I’ve got a little bit of sense from him. But I don’t know what he’s talking about this is new to me and I don’t know what I’m meant to do.
So my next question what is pushing them? And what is he planning to do? Have the kids meet his girlfriend once a week or once a month how is pushing defined? I think of myself as a genuine person, I wasn’t trying to get a reaction or cause a fight I want the answers and if he knows I’m in the wrong then he should know how to do it right?

He told me he doesn’t know he’s just trying to help me be a better mother and walked out. I’m annoyed he’s just done what he’s done for years, had a go at me, walked out, and made this all my fault.

But somehow I know this isn’t over.

Meeting someone new after separation and introducing them to the kids.

I never thought I’d be in this position. I never thought I’d have to think about what is acceptable and what is socially acceptable when introducing new partners to children.

I met a great guy. I’ll be honest I didn’t think at first that it would be anything serious. I just wanted to start moving on or at least pretend I was moving on from my failed marriage. There had been odd flings before we met so at least it didn’t completely feel like a rebound relationship.

When I watch how he looks at me I can tell how much he likes me. I’m not sure if it could already be love. But my confusion couldn’t allow me to feel anything other than confused. As the weeks turned into months I realised that I was falling for him too. We had a great time together and it just came naturally from both of us.

We have a mutual friend with a child so the next natural progression would be for us all to meet and to introduce him to the children and see if he ran a mile or not. I can’t even begin to explain how well this went.

A short while after I had booked to go away for a weekend with the kids and we discussed several times if he should come with us. But I hadn’t told my ex that I had moved on so I didn’t want to deal with that conflict. Not right now. In fact maybe never!

My parents were great they met him over dinner one night and encouraged me to take him away with me and the kids. I think they thought it would give me extra support. But we didn’t need much encouragement it just felt right. He surprisingly got time off work easily and we were organising to go away. It was really exciting but also nerve racking. This was expecting someone with no kids to deal with 2 for a whole long weekend.

Again he exceeded any expectations that I could have possibly had. He was great with the boys and we all genuinely had a great time.

I knew that my oldest son would be quizzed by his father when we returned. However I thought I would deal with it when I had to. We discussed it and we knew that I was going to get hell for introducing anyone new to the kids.

My ex phoned and wanted to know what was going on as what our son was saying wasn’t making much sense. I deliberately discussed the things that needed to be discussed first as I knew he would go into a blind rage when he knew the truth. And then nothing further would be discussed.

Well I told him honestly what had happened and he did exactly what I expected. He shouted, he swore, he was furious. And all I could think about was that he needed to calm down, he had the kids with him. I didn’t know what to say so I answered few questions, stayed as calm as I could and sat it out for what I thought was the sake of the kids, and maybe part of me thought I deserved it. If he took his anger out on me. Then maybe he wouldn’t be angry with the kids. I wanted to speak to my oldest to make sure that he was okay and that I would pick him up and take him home if he wanted me to. My ex refused to let me talk to him. He pretended to ask which consisted of him saying “here you go” then no he doesn’t want to talk to you. I didn’t know what to do. Should I go and get the kids or should I wait this out. I was pretty confident the kids would be fine and they didn’t need more confrontation. I didn’t hear from the kids for the next few days. My ability as a parent had been questioned and I started to believe I might not get the kids back when I went for them. It was awful but I see now it was more manipulation and control.

The kids were dropped off at mine and I was told that the activities that I had planned at the weekend the children no longer wanted to do with me and they were doing with him. Again I was furious and for the first time I started to plot my revenge. I spoke to my new guy which calmed me down. I could now deal with this.

I phoned and had a reasonable amicable phone call with him and felt better after. We agreed at the weekend the kids would decide what they wanted to do. I felt more in control again.

In the end I’ve decided that everyone deserves to be happy. And if you get that chance with someone you can’t not be happy because it will upset your ex-partner.

I’m fed up walking on egg shells, I need to live for my children and myself. After all a happy mother will have happy children.

Abuse of love or simply just love?

It’s not until I’ve been separated from my husband for several months that I start to reflect and I’m shocked at what I allowed to go on in our relationship. From very early on he had conversations with people online that in my opinion were very suggestive and inappropriate. This continued throughout our 9 years together and right now I can think of 4 occasions that I know about. Then there were the public things too, I remember him posting on a social media site that love and marriage goes together like a chocolate fireguard shortly after we were married.

At the time these things were upsetting and hurtful. But now it’s the emotional impact and turmoil of his actions which is exhausting! He says that he wants to be friends and have an amicable relationship for our children. But then I get verbal abuse everytime there is something I don’t do right. Which leaves me feeling like I’m walking on eggshells.

We have two children together. Now I will admit myself that I am not the most tidy person. But I have priorities. And the kids always came first. He got a few weeks off after the birth of our first child and we were in that euphoric bliss. But it didn’t last. Soon the comments started “what have you been doing all day!” With the tone and the looks this statement translated was “why isn’t the house tidy, what have you been doing?” This continued, but it was something that I just became used to.

Then we began to want a second child. I fell pregnant quickly. This time I had no worries about my pregnancy or how I would cope with a new born. I had done this before and would manage fine. My biggest difference was that I now had 2 children under 3 and I was studying to progress my career. I got up with both children through the night and recovered from a natural labour.

This time my husband didn’t get as long off with us before going back to work. My first day by myself went well. We walked the dogs, my oldest child got to playgroup on time, dinner was on the table when my husband came home. And his first question was “what have you done all day, it’s a bit of a mess” which was closely followed by maternity leave isn’t that difficult and I could manage better than you. (This is the guy who has never had the kids by himself for more than 2 nights without getting his mother down to help… Just saying)

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When I talk to people about what I’ve experienced they often ask did he ever touch you or hurt you. I answer honestly no but I believe it was heading that way if we had stayed together. There were 2 occasions which makes me believe this. Before we officially separated I came home one night after being out with a friend. I was probably more confident as I’d had a few drinks and asked him to see his phone as I was sure he was cheating on me. His reaction I don’t think I’ll ever forget. He jumped out of bed and got right into my face with his body rigid and arms pushed back so he could shout at me louder. All I can remember is him telling me to leave and get out the house. I said I wasn’t leaving and went to bed. He came after me and pulled the covers off me screaming to get out of bed and leave. I did get out of bed, checked that the children were still asleep and phoned my parents to help me. I should have left that night but I was scared that since I had been drinking (he says he had 1 or 2, but I didn’t find this out till later) that the children would be considered unsafe.

The next time I have no idea what we were arguing about. Again he told me to leave and this was followed by him pushing shoulder. This was during the day, no alcohol involved so I know this time his behaviour was completely him.

Things were gradually getting worse between us and for some reason I was still fighting to save what we used to have. Then one day there was an odd conversation about if we would ever have more children. I can’t remember his exact comment. But it was along the lines that our current problems were already due to our second child coming along!

During all of this was my birthday. The year before I had surprised him by taking him away. So he reciprocated by doing the same for me. I remember sitting in the hotel room looking at him knowing it was over. He couldn’t sit next to me and couldn’t even look at me. We had became just friends, if that. The next morning at breakfast I was fully aware of this and started crying while in the dinning room. I left and sorted myself out before returning to finish breakfast. I remember thinking at the time that this didn’t even bother him, he just kept eating. Traveling home was awful as it was just fighting the whole way. And to make matters worse we were going home to his mum watching the kids and staying another night with us.

When we did finally admit that it was over and started to move on it didn’t make things easier overnight. There was still how we split up possessions, our house and finances. This in itself always annoyed me as he never disputed what happened with the children or how often he would see them. So soon we were arguing over money and how we would split it. One day when he brought the kids back I said that I wanted to talk about how we were splitting our savings as I didn’t think it was the fairest way that we were doing it. It was like a firework went off. He started shouting and screaming that I don’t deserve more than him (he was already getting the bigger share). Then he started going round each room in our house grabbing anything that he thought should be his. This ranged from things that were genuinely his. To the clothes dryers (the metal frames for drying clothes) to the camera that he’s never used, to pulling the kids DVD player out the wall.

And as I reread this before posting I remember other things which should never have happened in a genuine loving relationship. In fact there are probably too many to go into.

Things are better now as we are not staying together so his outbursts are more manageable as he will leave after or they are over the phone. Now though it’s apparent that he’s watching what I do. I get texts stating “that’s an odd post you liked on facebook” or “I thought you were free as I seen you had just been on whatsapp.” But it’s still taking time for me to realise that all of this is abuse and control which shouldn’t be happening in any relationship.

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