Blogging a therapy – post 3

Seems there is starting to be a pattern as to when I need to post. Every 2-3 days. Is that really how long things can remain calm or neutral for? Surely there must be a bigger aim than that.

My weekend has actually been good until Sunday night. Christmas activities done with the boys. And while they were with their dad I got things I needed to do around the house and some more Christmas shopping.

The boys came home last night (15 min early by his request) and I remember thinking good they are with me for 5 nights, I’ll be able to get some routine and also hopefully little contact with my X husband.

So I was wrong (that seems to be happening a lot recently).

The kids were badly behaved. I do understand how difficult this is for them and it always takes a few days to get back to a ‘normal’ routine. So they get some leeway the first night and it gradually gets less as the time passes.

But although the kids have been like this, I’m not feeling well and I’m tired. I’m surprisingly in quite a good mood.

Then I got a text from my X husband asking if we can have a 10min chat. In summary he wanted to change when he had the kids again – which I said no to since he chose the days in the first place. Then he told me that things that I was posting on social media were inappropriate – this was one of these quiz things that analyse your profile and comes up with 5 reasons to love me.

Then he thinks that since the last conversation ended badly we should chat to make it better. Well an hour later with me mainly listening to his feelings and him telling me how negative I am. I can say again I’ve had enough!

Really all I wanted was an early night. Then next thing I know it’s nearly 10pm and I’ve been listening to my X go on about his feelings for almost and hour (and it’s the 2nd call to him in the night).

I’ve been hearing a lot recently about karma, I hope there really is some truth to it.



Blogging a therapy – post 2

I don’t even know where to start for how wrong today as went. Work hasn’t went very smoothly. But ignoring that I got this text to round of my morning.


Now all I asked for was for the kids to come back 2 hours earlier on the 2nd so that we could go and visit people. I am going abroad for a week with the boys which is the time away he is talking about. And I suppose everyone can guess “talk rationally” means getting what I want.

Well I suppose I’m fed up with him making all the decisions and responded to this which escalated into another argument. Although my first reply I think was pleasant with me offering to come and go. He’s basically told me no and It’s tough he’s doing what he wants.

Again same as from yesterday, I’m fed up with this. I don’t even know how to explain how I feel. I just want to move forward. I want to stop dredging up anything that gone wrong in the past and move on for the kids. But he doesn’t seem able to do this.

He wants to talk about Christmas and I’m not sure what else there is to say. So when he drops the boys off I explain I have a lot planned this week and I really don’t have time to talk to him. It’s either tonight or it might be more than a week later.

So he texts saying we can try and talk. By the end of the call he’s got his way so he’s happy.

I don’t know if I should be happy is over again and things can be settled for a while or annoyed that he’s basically pushed again and got what he wanted. Really I was looking for the boys to be back two hours earlier, I even tried to compromise for 1 hour. Are things really going to be this petty?

Blogging a therapy – post 1

So I said I was going to post more often as I found it “therapeutic” and good for getting rid of my tensions. Turns out it’s harder to follow your own ideas than it should be.

So my day has petty much went like this. Hide in a mangers office for an hour so that I can get some of my work done without interruptions. Attend a few meetings and then work generally passed without incident.

During lunch I had arranged to have a phone consultation with a mediator who will decide if she can help my ex and I talk properly. It seemed positive with her questioning why I was so flexible with him and that they wouldn’t be doing that as an organisation.

Then after this call I started getting calls from my parents telling me it was all a trick, don’t talk to a mediator, how do I know who I’m talking to. While this is true it really is not helping me just now!

But things got better later, I met my new man from work, which is always good and went to pick up the kids. We had a nice dinner together then I took the kids to their dads for the night like planned.

My ex and I have been meant to meet for the last week to discuss Christmas plans but its not happened. Probably mainly because we had an argument the week before and I can’t face more confrontation.

Then as I’m sitting at night he starts to add things into our childcare calendar app… So it doesn’t seem like we are discussing this. He’s going to decide.

Texts go back and forth and get nowhere. I decide to phone and get this conversation over with.

I’m sure it’s clear already that this didn’t go great. But we seemed to negotiate and things went OK. Well until the end when I said something he didn’t like and he hung up on me again.

I hate the way that this makes me feel. I can’t even explain how I feel about it. I’ve just had enough, I don’t need to be putting up with this anymore.

Daily blog posts may be the counseling that I need.

So things haven’t been great recently. In fact honestly they have been completely shit. Maybe I’m more optimistic than pessimistic and that’s helping me through this time.

I’ve had a lying, cheating, controlling husband. Who thankfully I’m not with anymore, but the manipulation and control has continued. My kids are young, but that doesn’t make it easier on us all. In fact since their sleep pattern is so effected it’s clear how hard it is on them.

But more positively I’ve met someone new, I’ve moved on. I didn’t think I’d be able to feel love for someone else so quickly. And trust someone again. But I do!

He’s great and after convincing me to talk to him about what’s been going on in my head recently I feel so much better. He’s the only person that knows me and knows that I’ve been blogging. We spoke about the outlet that it provides for me, and it’s something that we both think I should be trying to do more regularly.

So I’m going to try and post a new blog every 2nd day or maybe everyday. Sometimes I won’t have much to say and other times I will.

I think this will give me a better chance to see both the positive and negative things that are going on in my life.

A drunken blog

This is the first time I’ve thought to pick up my phone and blog after drinking alcohol. Probably because I can’t sleep and I’m hoping it will tire me out somehow.

I’m not going to lie, recently life has been shit. I’m going to be filing for divorce soon, I’m a single mother to two children. And at times things seem pointless and so hard that it’s not worth going on.

But tonight as I can’t sleep I realise things aren’t really that bad. I have people in my life who love me and want the best for me. I have two great children who I wouldn’t swap for the world. And my new man. He wants to hear all the shit I’ve been keeping from him so that he can support me fully.

Don’t get me wrong my list of issues and baggage is growing by the day but it’s like a weight has been lifted just to know that someone wants to listen and not judge me.

Maybe things won’t be that bad and will work out okay. I suppose time will tell.

Celebrating the life of a much loved pet.

I made the awful decision on Tuesday the 10th of November 2015 to have my dog put to sleep.

She had been diagnosed with a mass in her spleen in April 2015. It was unknown if it was cancer or not. There were tests available to find out what we were dealing with but if it was cancer the test would encourage it to spread. And if it wasn’t then the test would encourage the “blister” to burst. Either way the test would make things worse and I was told that operating although removing the problem would technically shorten her life as average statistics were a month survival after surgery.

I was back and forward to the vets several times in the next 6 months with mounting vet bills. But it was worth it. She had a better quality of life, we sorted out her incontinence and put her on medication to help with the pain we thought she was in.

We had an extra 6 months, a few extra walks when she was fit, a short break away and more time together.

Then the time came when I had to make the decision to make an appointment to take her to the vets to be put to sleep.

But even now a few weeks on I find myself wondering if I did the right thing. I work during the day and I was terrified that she would become very ill and I wouldn’t be there to help her or comfort her. I don’t know for certain what was going on in her body, but she seemed to start to forget things. This wouldn’t have usually been a problem, but she “forgot” that she didn’t go to the toilet in the house. With young children this became another strain on family life.

I decided that we couldn’t continue the way we were with things gradually getting a bit worse. So I made that appointment at the vets.

I was upset throughout the whole appointment and desperately wanted to shout stop I’ve changed my mind. But I kept watching and trying to convince myself I was doing the right thing.

I came home and cried, I sat up for a few hours and then headed to bed. As I lay in bed there was this loud noise that made both myself and my other dog jump and look around. That’s when I realised why I recognised the noise. It was the same noise when my older dog jumped on and off the bed somehow I found this comforting, the last few weeks she hadn’t been fit enough to mange this.

Then a short while later I stretched out in bed and my foot touched a dog, I hadn’t realised my other dog had jumped on the bed… She hadn’t. There was an unwritten rule between my dogs. The younger one slept on the bed while the older was on the floor. That night my younger dog stayed on the floor all night.

For the next few days I was distraught, but I had to continue with looking after the children, working and life in general. It’s getting easier but I still find myself wondering if I’ve done the right thing.


The juggling act which is being a single parent.

So it seems that I’m not invincible. I’d like to be able to do everything and mange effortlessly. But it’s not looking like that’s possible.

It doesn’t matter how many people tell me it that it will get easier or his threats to fight for custody of the children are empty threats. It still gives me bad days and sleepless nights.

I’m not sure I can remember when I actually slept a full night through. It wasn’t recently anyway!

But when I think about things sensibly I can see why I’m finding things difficult just now, as well as why things are difficult.

* I’m a single parent to 2 children under 5. Everytime they stay at their dads I dread what I’m going to be accused of when they come back, and another reason I’ve apparently given him to fight for custody.
* I am lucky I have 2 healthy and happy children. But that is getting harder when my oldest is now telling me that he doesn’t want to go to daddies.
* I am lucky I have a full time job which allows us to remain in the life we are accustomed to. But also this is an added pressure and strain to limited family time that I have.
* I have a dog to look after and unfortunately I recently lost my older dog due to illness. So I’m now grieving as well.
* I want to have the perfect nice clean house. But as I said I have a dog and 2 children. This is somewhat unlikely. But recently it’s been stressful that I’m not managing.
* I come into contact with so many people every day. And I “act” and put on a “show” that shows everyone I’m fine. This is also emotionally draining.
* Added to all of this I have the financial worries of managing to provide for my family.

As well as these daily difficulties I don’t know where the next argument is going to come from. I don’t know when I’m next going to be told I’m a bad mother and he thinks he should go for custody as I don’t put our children first.

I do have my good days where I feel like myself. But I’m starting to wonder if it would be easier to fight for custody and move away. Then at least I would have some less stressful things in my life.