Reflecting

What happens when you look in the mirror and you don’t like the person you’ve become. Or been made into.

I know I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and its probably just starting to ease off and that’s why my body is reacting this way. I feel so tired and I don’t know if its the stress, the pressure I’ve put on myself or my Multiple Sclerosis.

I’m continually being made to look at my past just now and the decisions I’ve made. And quite honestly I’ve had enough. I just feel fed up in general and that’s effecting my day to day mood and my patience.

I’ve had time to reflect on the things that I’m not happy about just now and something has started to become obvious to me. I don’t like parts of the person I’ve become.

When I think about it now I realise that I have probably experienced years of emotional abuse. But as I start to reflect on the things about myself that I’m not happy about then I start to realise what I can do to fix them and why I’m not happy about them.

My partner and I have worked through trust issues and other emotional scars from previous relationships but my latest realisation I wasn’t aware of until a few days ago. I’m realising that I’m holding back on so many things within my personal relationships. I don’t think I was at the start of our relationship and I only have one reason for that. I didn’t care, I could be myself and if my new partner didn’t like it then he could go and find someone else and so would I. But I’m forgetting that’s the person he fell in love with.

But now I’ve fallen in love my previous experience tells me that if I do something wrong then I pay for that emotionally and he’ll treat me like crap. So I defend myself and hold back so that I don’t get hurt again.

My partner and I used to pride ourselves on our communication. If we had a problem then we spoke about it, but recently we’ve lost that. I think that is both our faults as talking didn’t actually make things better for a while, it just made us relive what was already bothering us.

But as our lives start to move on and we move on together then we need to start communicating again like we did before.

 

This house is a disaster.

The kids have started to affectionately call it “the broken house”

I’ve not been sure where to start this post so I thought I might say it through pictures instead.

 

What I thought we were moving into.

 

 

What we got.

 

The walls are being damp proofed after years of damage.

 

And the kitchen had a burst pipe under the floorboards that no one seemed to know about causing dampness and rotting floorboards.

 

So the kitchen was stripped back to the joists. Which were also ruined through damp.

Multiple Sclerosis and depression.

I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is depression, but I know I might need to look into it in the near future. I’ve done a lot of research on MS symptoms and side effects.

One of the things I’ve read is that people need to be aware of is that MS seems to be linked to depression. I can understand it, personally I’ve been fortunate. Before the onset of MS I had perfect vision and was fairly active, in fact I had recently took up jogging before my diagnosis. Now my vision needs a minor prescription and I’m not quite as active. But others are left with debilitating conditions and a decrease in their ability to manage independently.

I’ve been dealing with a lot recently: a bad house move, raising 2 children myself, MS diagnosis and not to forget my ex husband appearing in court for a domestic offence against myself.

But I was surprised when sitting at the theatre about a week ago I got into a conversation with the lady next to me and her three children. Her children who were in their 30’s each had a mild learning disability. However the one sitting next to her had a severe fear of heights and since we were in the first row at the highest section this wasn’t a good combination. He was anxious whenever someone stood up and if anyone put their coat or a drink on the ledge in front of our seats. It may  have been the alcohol but I found myself thinking about how easy it would be to jump over the edge and stop all these difficulties in my life. One jump and I would have no more court cases, no more being told what to do, no more arguments, no more fighting, no more tiredness. Just peace.

 

Fighting with everyone 

Last year I published a blog with all the good things that had happened to me and all the bad things. When I wrote it there seemed to be positives to balance out the negatives.

But this year I’m just fed up, I feel like I’m fighting with everyone.

With everything that has happened this year I’ve been close to breaking point a few times. But this house has just about sent me over the edge. I finally lost it and couldn’t keep myself composed about a week ago. In fact it was boxing day, we went to the cinema to see the new Star Wars film and stopped at the new house on the way back.

I found myself looking around thinking I’ve had enough. I cant do this anymore, everything feels like a fight and I have little fight left in me.

 

Fighting might be too strong a word but its close to how I feel in every area.

Work – I’ve had to complain about my manager about my temporary manager as he’s worse than useless.

My partner – I get it, he’s been having a difficult time with everything. But it just means that I am taking the brunt of it all. Everything wrong in his life is my fault. So I have to be strong for us both and take the shit he throws my way.

House – It’s like a fight everyday to do something to the house to make it liveable. And then this brings in defending myself to everyone close to me as to why I’ve chose this house. It’s not like I can change it now.

Ex husband – Not much has changed here I am just fed up with it. Everything seems like a fight. He wants everything his way and when its not I’m threatened with lawyers. I wish he would go to a lawyer! Then my parents are clearly not his biggest fan so they have a go at me for everything that he does and that he should have no contact with his children. Which is clearly not possible or fair on the kids.

MS – Its like a fight everyday to work through tiredness and stay positive that my whole life wont be turned upside down by it.

Kids – The boys are just being boys. They want to run around and play, they have energy they want to burn. But at my parents they aren’t allowed to move. Every time they move they are told they are going to break their neck or another bone in their body. If they make a noise I’m told they need to get out the house. (This was even on the same day that the youngest has a sickness bug.) I would never take the kids out when they are ill. But staying here I have no choice as it stressed out my Mum them being here.

Sleep – My younger brother has came home for Christmas. There has been clear favouritism for years but living in it makes it more apparent somehow. 

An example – I have nowhere to live due to the difficulties with the new house so I’ve came back to my parents with the kids for the past month. Tonight I’m told no one can stay in the room I’m in until it has been cleaned properly. However my brothers room is fine (he threw up on the floor the other night!!)

This has led to my youngest sleeping in the same bed as me. This may not seem like a big thing. But at three years old he cant sleep in one place. Honestly he is up crawling about the bed in his sleep! While typing this blog he has kicked the laptop at least four times after I have moved him back to the other side of he bed. With MS this isn’t practical, I’m terrified I’m going to cause myself to relapse with the amount of stress and fatigue that I’m putting myself under just now and not having a chanceto sleep properly to try and contract any of the harm being done.

 

Moving day

Everything happened so fast. The house went up for sale and it felt like the next day I was moving.

Moving day was a slow process. My lawyer sent a cheque to the sellers lawyer for the wrong amount. (The house purchase was in hundreds instead of thousands). While this seemed like a good deal to me the seller didn’t seem to agree.

I agreed to let the person buying my house start moving in her things although the sale wasn’t actually through. It was odd sitting in your house watching someone else move in. But I felt happy for her rather than sad for me moving.

We started moving everything into my new house in the early afternoon and getting the place cleaned as it was filthy. And not five weeks of dirt. More like five years (or more). I started to try and clean the kitchen and inside the units which seemed worse than dirty. I called my Dad over to find it was dirt mixed with mould. This wasn’t a great start.

The report has detected damp but not why it was damp. The next few days found how bad the problem actually was. Or so we thought at least.

I have have a few pictures from what we found behind a wardrobe in one of the bedrooms and then once the paper and carpet was lifted. The carpet was soaking and the wardrobe was covered in thick white mould.

Packing my life into boxes.

As my moving day got closer there was an odd sense of happiness that I was ending this part of my life and starting afresh.

It has been over a year since I separated from my ex husband. But there have still been so many negative things still happening in that house which I want to leave behind. I had the whole incident in April which started the court case Link to my Blog – I never thought I’d end up being a victim giving evidence in court 😖. My neurologist thinks I’ve had two MS relapses. Both have been in that house.

I think there is some part of my ex who thinks the house still has something to do with him. And on odd occasions my eldest would suddenly talk about when Daddy lived with us. This would happen after contact with his Dad which I don’t see as  a coincidence. I mean what normal Father would bring these memories back to a child? For my eldest this meant that he remembered the incident in April and all the shouting that was targeted at me by his Dad.

Moving gave me a chance to clear out everything in the house from top to bottom. Get rid of everything I didn’t want. This includes possessions as well as some memories.

Selling my house

So selling your house is an odd situation. You have complete strangers coming into your house and looking around. Some want to look in your cupboards and others want to know how much all your bills are. Meanwhile you have to have the place looking spotless.

I understand that this helps people decide however I wasn’t expecting some of the questions that I was asked by the first viewer. But it prepared me for the other viewers. The house went live online on the 21st of September 2016 and viewings came steadily. I think in total I had four viewers.

On the 1st of October 2016 I viewed the house that I wanted to buy. I knew it needed renovated and expected it to need new windows, doors and probably a boiler in the future. But it was everything that I needed and wanted mainly due to my health. The stairs were becoming difficult in the house I was in and that had been my main reason for putting it up for sale.

On the 21st of October I accepted an offer for my property and put in an offer for the house I wanted. The only difficulty was that the person buying my house was looking for a moving date in five weeks! My whole move was due to be done in two months, from listing my house to getting the keys for the new one!!