Life Stress’s and MS – when will things calm down and stay calm?

So I stated this blog over a month ago and didn’t get by the title (which i’ve now also changed).

Recently i’ve been thinking a lot about the stresses that I have in my life and how to reduce them. I believe that my current stresses will have contributed to my relapse. And there is definately a link to when I get stressed and my MS symptoms suddenly become more noticeable.

Work

Partly work is just work. I can’t afford to stop working and I think I might also be bored without work too. But recently workloads have been ridiculous. We should have case loads of about 50 although i’ve heard other areas have closer to 35-40. However my area is closer to case loads of 70! No wonder I’m getting stressed. There isn’t the time to manage this high a workload and staff are starting to go of sick with the pressure.

This is something I need to find a way to address. So my thoughts were to put in for a lateral transfer. So I will be transfered to another area soon that has less stress and a slower pace of work.

But since i’ve been told that I am getting Lemtrada and the time off work that I will need it’s been discussed that the transfer should maybe be delayed!! I can’t decide if I understand the reasoning for this or that starting a new job after Lemtrada could just be more stressful.

Children

Again children are just children. I can’t get away from them or give them away. And I wouldn’t want to. But sometimes children cause stress that they don’t realise that they are causing. For example my eldest is struggling with his behaviour just now. Not that he is agressive or nasty. He just will not listen. Even to his teacher. This is concerning me enough that I have arranged for him to meet with a play therapist. I think he’s a thinker, and my instinct says he’s worried about something.

MS

The unknown of MS is a stress to most of us I think. You never know when you are going to have a relapse which you may loose a bodily function or use of a limb. For most of the time this is something I learn to live with. But sometimes it causes anxiety or stress. And I’m sure that this is a normal human response.

I’ve been put forward for Lemtrada so it should reduce the chance or relapses by 70%. And I will be monitored very closely for a number of years. I think this gives me some reassurance. But the thought of the treatment and the impact that it may have on the short time is a slight stress.

My ex

I don’t know what to say about my ex. He’s an idiot! My previous blog posts show some of his behaviours but that’s probably just the most extreme. Recently it’s more trivial issues, but that might me more about my response and feelings about the situation. He’s an idiot, I’m not going to change that, so I need to learn not to let it stress me.

So what if I suspect his behaviour is impacting the children. Right now all I can do is monitor it, record it and try not to stress myself or the children.

This house

My house is a disaster! I moved to a house all on the one level as I was finding the stairs so tiring. But this house just keeps needing more work! I’m nearly at a stage where I can show the before and after pictures so I will share them soon. But really if it could have gone wrong then it has.

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Tragedy but a mothers first priority is her own children!

So my ex is having another baby. Which is fine by me. Not that I was consulted. But I was hoping that this would take up his time and he would effectively leave me alone.

But I get a message today to say the baby has died and they are booked in for a still birth this Saturday. Can I keep the boys as he’s meant to have them this weekend. (Not a problem). But he also says he wants to tell the boys what’s happened (they are both under 6)

I ask if he should consider saying to them that he made a mistake there is no baby and avoid the details? I’m thinking what is best for the kids here. This could be traumatic and we should be protecting them.

I wasn’t expecting this reply that I got.

“I understand why you suggested that way but I don’t feel comfortable dismissing the baby like that. They have seen a scan photo in a frame in our living room and will see the frame I plan to make for the baby and will wonder who it is. I think maybe keeping the chat on par with how we told them about x (the dog) may be more appropriate. I know they will have a very limited understanding but I’d like to still give the baby a place in their memories. I won’t involve them in the funeral though, I think that’s an area they can be kept out of but maybe when they are much older they can come to the grave side.

I doubt the boys have said much to you but we have talked about it quite a lot. As in we count the seats in the car and seat number 7 is for their brother or sister, they understood that their toy room was to change into a bedroom but we’d still always make room for toys, they chatted excitedly to gramma the last time telling her about their new baby brother or sister and showing her the photo. I don’t think covering up would work for them or be fair to them or to their baby brother. I think more that I need to think what to avoid, for example not say dying or dead and I wondered what you had told them about (the dog). I wonder if heaven is a concept which may be ok if we don’t relate religion to it.”
Please be honest with me anyone who reads this. If he was still in a relationship with the mother then I could understand this. But he’s moved on to the next person. I believe he also asked for this baby to be aborted and then a paternity test, he had known about the baby for a few weeks.

Surely bringing young children into this adult situation is not appropriate. I’m beginning to question his motives and ability to protect the children he already has.

I feel I have to add, I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone and I feel for them, I really do. But the children do not need to be involved in this. They are too young. They don’t need to be told and then reminded about a sibling that died who was going to be raised from the start outwith a relationship.

Ex is having a baby with someone else. 

So here’s a quick summary of how we got to where we are.

He had an affair and I suspect had a relationship after with same girl – introduces her to the kids.

She moves away and he meets another girl – refers to her as a fling (kids haven’t met her).

Then meets another girl – introduces her to the kids and me. She’s met the kids about 2-3 times and then he gets told by the fling that she is pregnant approx 15 weeks. (Tells me this with new girlfriend in the car and tells the kids they have a sibling on way)

I speak to the kids as I’m worried this is more for them to take in and absorb. My eldest tells me that it’s daddies baby so they should ask him and not me.

I have a conversation the next week with my ex to say I think he told the kids to early.  And really he needs to think about them. He’s questioning paternity so how appropriate is it to tell them a sibling is on the way.

I’m starting to feel that every mess he creates he drags all of us into it as well. Surely things have to get better soon.

Take the godamn photo thoughts.

Have you seen that blog about a mum pleading to dad’s to take the photo that captures a moment with the children? blog link here
So as I’m sitting with what feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders my mum friends are chatting online and sending pictures of their baby bumps.
Ive had this realisation before, but for some reason it really bothers me tonight. I have 1 photo of my baby bump through my 2 pregnancies! And when I took the photo that I do have I was told I was being ridiculous and I can have photos of a baby soon instead of photos of me. After that I don’t think I took any photos second time round.
Those of you who have read any of my blogs will know that my marriage was tainted with domestic abuse. That relationship ended 2 years ago. But I am still only just realising the true extent of what I went through although I know is it is nothing compared to what some women experience.
But you can move on and you can become stronger.

All the things I should say ❤

I started this blog a few months ago before life got hectic. But now after my reflection blog I think this is the time to go back and finish this.

To my boyfriend (sounds like we are kids), my partner (sounds like a work thing), my other half (just meh nothing else). Hang on I’ve got it. To my beacon of love (sorry inside joke, that’s if he remembers saying that).

I don’t say it enough how much you mean to me and how much I rely on you. It’s all the little things together that makes me love you more.

We’ve not had the best 1st year together. But you’ve stood by me when others would have ran. Your right I probably  wasn’t ready for a relationship. But I fell for you hard when I let my guard down and gave into what I was feeling for you. But this is something I don’t tell you enough.

I was used to doing everything myself and someone pretending that they were there for me. But now I really do have you with me always. You’ve been with to every appointment at the MS clinic which you know means so much to me. There are times when I’ve wanted to give up and run away but you’ve kept me strong. Even just to listen to my moans or dry my tears.

The same can be said about the court case where still all I can think about is the nightmare of giving evidence which still haunts me some nights and then running into your arms when they finally stopped after two hours of me giving evidence. I can still see the concern on your face and your anger in your voice as you asked “what the hell happened in there”.

But as I love you more and more each day I find myself becoming more distant with you when I want the complete opposite. I want to give you everything and I know that’s what you want (you tell me often enough).

I have no problem telling you that I love you and I do tell you often. But I really struggle to compliment you and tell you what I’m actually thinking. But then recently I realised I cant cope with getting compliments from you either. I have my reasons and this is something I want to work on and improve in our relationship and I want your help to do it.

Reflecting

What happens when you look in the mirror and you don’t like the person you’ve become. Or been made into.

I know I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and its probably just starting to ease off and that’s why my body is reacting this way. I feel so tired and I don’t know if its the stress, the pressure I’ve put on myself or my Multiple Sclerosis.

I’m continually being made to look at my past just now and the decisions I’ve made. And quite honestly I’ve had enough. I just feel fed up in general and that’s effecting my day to day mood and my patience.

I’ve had time to reflect on the things that I’m not happy about just now and something has started to become obvious to me. I don’t like parts of the person I’ve become.

When I think about it now I realise that I have probably experienced years of emotional abuse. But as I start to reflect on the things about myself that I’m not happy about then I start to realise what I can do to fix them and why I’m not happy about them.

My partner and I have worked through trust issues and other emotional scars from previous relationships but my latest realisation I wasn’t aware of until a few days ago. I’m realising that I’m holding back on so many things within my personal relationships. I don’t think I was at the start of our relationship and I only have one reason for that. I didn’t care, I could be myself and if my new partner didn’t like it then he could go and find someone else and so would I. But I’m forgetting that’s the person he fell in love with.

But now I’ve fallen in love my previous experience tells me that if I do something wrong then I pay for that emotionally and he’ll treat me like crap. So I defend myself and hold back so that I don’t get hurt again.

My partner and I used to pride ourselves on our communication. If we had a problem then we spoke about it, but recently we’ve lost that. I think that is both our faults as talking didn’t actually make things better for a while, it just made us relive what was already bothering us.

But as our lives start to move on and we move on together then we need to start communicating again like we did before.

 

Fighting with everyone 

Last year I published a blog with all the good things that had happened to me and all the bad things. When I wrote it there seemed to be positives to balance out the negatives.

But this year I’m just fed up, I feel like I’m fighting with everyone.

With everything that has happened this year I’ve been close to breaking point a few times. But this house has just about sent me over the edge. I finally lost it and couldn’t keep myself composed about a week ago. In fact it was boxing day, we went to the cinema to see the new Star Wars film and stopped at the new house on the way back.

I found myself looking around thinking I’ve had enough. I cant do this anymore, everything feels like a fight and I have little fight left in me.

 

Fighting might be too strong a word but its close to how I feel in every area.

Work – I’ve had to complain about my manager about my temporary manager as he’s worse than useless.

My partner – I get it, he’s been having a difficult time with everything. But it just means that I am taking the brunt of it all. Everything wrong in his life is my fault. So I have to be strong for us both and take the shit he throws my way.

House – It’s like a fight everyday to do something to the house to make it liveable. And then this brings in defending myself to everyone close to me as to why I’ve chose this house. It’s not like I can change it now.

Ex husband – Not much has changed here I am just fed up with it. Everything seems like a fight. He wants everything his way and when its not I’m threatened with lawyers. I wish he would go to a lawyer! Then my parents are clearly not his biggest fan so they have a go at me for everything that he does and that he should have no contact with his children. Which is clearly not possible or fair on the kids.

MS – Its like a fight everyday to work through tiredness and stay positive that my whole life wont be turned upside down by it.

Kids – The boys are just being boys. They want to run around and play, they have energy they want to burn. But at my parents they aren’t allowed to move. Every time they move they are told they are going to break their neck or another bone in their body. If they make a noise I’m told they need to get out the house. (This was even on the same day that the youngest has a sickness bug.) I would never take the kids out when they are ill. But staying here I have no choice as it stressed out my Mum them being here.

Sleep – My younger brother has came home for Christmas. There has been clear favouritism for years but living in it makes it more apparent somehow.

An example – I have nowhere to live due to the difficulties with the new house so I’ve came back to my parents with the kids for the past month. Tonight I’m told no one can stay in the room I’m in until it has been cleaned properly. However my brothers room is fine (he threw up on the floor the other night!!)

This has led to my youngest sleeping in the same bed as me. This may not seem like a big thing. But at three years old he cant sleep in one place. Honestly he is up crawling about the bed in his sleep! While typing this blog he has kicked the laptop at least four times after I have moved him back to the other side of he bed. With MS this isn’t practical, I’m terrified I’m going to cause myself to relapse with the amount of stress and fatigue that I’m putting myself under just now and not having a chanceto sleep properly to try and contract any of the harm being done.