Tag Archives: divorce

All the things I should say ❤

I started this blog a few months ago before life got hectic. But now after my reflection blog I think this is the time to go back and finish this.

To my boyfriend (sounds like we are kids), my partner (sounds like a work thing), my other half (just meh nothing else). Hang on I’ve got it. To my beacon of love (sorry inside joke, that’s if he remembers saying that).

I don’t say it enough how much you mean to me and how much I rely on you. It’s all the little things together that makes me love you more.

We’ve not had the best 1st year together. But you’ve stood by me when others would have ran. Your right I probably  wasn’t ready for a relationship. But I fell for you hard when I let my guard down and gave into what I was feeling for you. But this is something I don’t tell you enough.

I was used to doing everything myself and someone pretending that they were there for me. But now I really do have you with me always. You’ve been with to every appointment at the MS clinic which you know means so much to me. There are times when I’ve wanted to give up and run away but you’ve kept me strong. Even just to listen to my moans or dry my tears.

The same can be said about the court case where still all I can think about is the nightmare of giving evidence which still haunts me some nights and then running into your arms when they finally stopped after two hours of me giving evidence. I can still see the concern on your face and your anger in your voice as you asked “what the hell happened in there”.

But as I love you more and more each day I find myself becoming more distant with you when I want the complete opposite. I want to give you everything and I know that’s what you want (you tell me often enough).

I have no problem telling you that I love you and I do tell you often. But I really struggle to compliment you and tell you what I’m actually thinking. But then recently I realised I cant cope with getting compliments from you either. I have my reasons and this is something I want to work on and improve in our relationship and I want your help to do it.

Reflecting

What happens when you look in the mirror and you don’t like the person you’ve become. Or been made into.

I know I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and its probably just starting to ease off and that’s why my body is reacting this way. I feel so tired and I don’t know if its the stress, the pressure I’ve put on myself or my Multiple Sclerosis.

I’m continually being made to look at my past just now and the decisions I’ve made. And quite honestly I’ve had enough. I just feel fed up in general and that’s effecting my day to day mood and my patience.

I’ve had time to reflect on the things that I’m not happy about just now and something has started to become obvious to me. I don’t like parts of the person I’ve become.

When I think about it now I realise that I have probably experienced years of emotional abuse. But as I start to reflect on the things about myself that I’m not happy about then I start to realise what I can do to fix them and why I’m not happy about them.

My partner and I have worked through trust issues and other emotional scars from previous relationships but my latest realisation I wasn’t aware of until a few days ago. I’m realising that I’m holding back on so many things within my personal relationships. I don’t think I was at the start of our relationship and I only have one reason for that. I didn’t care, I could be myself and if my new partner didn’t like it then he could go and find someone else and so would I. But I’m forgetting that’s the person he fell in love with.

But now I’ve fallen in love my previous experience tells me that if I do something wrong then I pay for that emotionally and he’ll treat me like crap. So I defend myself and hold back so that I don’t get hurt again.

My partner and I used to pride ourselves on our communication. If we had a problem then we spoke about it, but recently we’ve lost that. I think that is both our faults as talking didn’t actually make things better for a while, it just made us relive what was already bothering us.

But as our lives start to move on and we move on together then we need to start communicating again like we did before.

 

Fighting with everyone 

Last year I published a blog with all the good things that had happened to me and all the bad things. When I wrote it there seemed to be positives to balance out the negatives.

But this year I’m just fed up, I feel like I’m fighting with everyone.

With everything that has happened this year I’ve been close to breaking point a few times. But this house has just about sent me over the edge. I finally lost it and couldn’t keep myself composed about a week ago. In fact it was boxing day, we went to the cinema to see the new Star Wars film and stopped at the new house on the way back.

I found myself looking around thinking I’ve had enough. I cant do this anymore, everything feels like a fight and I have little fight left in me.

 

Fighting might be too strong a word but its close to how I feel in every area.

Work – I’ve had to complain about my manager about my temporary manager as he’s worse than useless.

My partner – I get it, he’s been having a difficult time with everything. But it just means that I am taking the brunt of it all. Everything wrong in his life is my fault. So I have to be strong for us both and take the shit he throws my way.

House – It’s like a fight everyday to do something to the house to make it liveable. And then this brings in defending myself to everyone close to me as to why I’ve chose this house. It’s not like I can change it now.

Ex husband – Not much has changed here I am just fed up with it. Everything seems like a fight. He wants everything his way and when its not I’m threatened with lawyers. I wish he would go to a lawyer! Then my parents are clearly not his biggest fan so they have a go at me for everything that he does and that he should have no contact with his children. Which is clearly not possible or fair on the kids.

MS – Its like a fight everyday to work through tiredness and stay positive that my whole life wont be turned upside down by it.

Kids – The boys are just being boys. They want to run around and play, they have energy they want to burn. But at my parents they aren’t allowed to move. Every time they move they are told they are going to break their neck or another bone in their body. If they make a noise I’m told they need to get out the house. (This was even on the same day that the youngest has a sickness bug.) I would never take the kids out when they are ill. But staying here I have no choice as it stressed out my Mum them being here.

Sleep – My younger brother has came home for Christmas. There has been clear favouritism for years but living in it makes it more apparent somehow. 

An example – I have nowhere to live due to the difficulties with the new house so I’ve came back to my parents with the kids for the past month. Tonight I’m told no one can stay in the room I’m in until it has been cleaned properly. However my brothers room is fine (he threw up on the floor the other night!!)

This has led to my youngest sleeping in the same bed as me. This may not seem like a big thing. But at three years old he cant sleep in one place. Honestly he is up crawling about the bed in his sleep! While typing this blog he has kicked the laptop at least four times after I have moved him back to the other side of he bed. With MS this isn’t practical, I’m terrified I’m going to cause myself to relapse with the amount of stress and fatigue that I’m putting myself under just now and not having a chanceto sleep properly to try and contract any of the harm being done.

 

Packing my life into boxes.

As my moving day got closer there was an odd sense of happiness that I was ending this part of my life and starting afresh.

It has been over a year since I separated from my ex husband. But there have still been so many negative things still happening in that house which I want to leave behind. I had the whole incident in April which started the court case Link to my Blog – I never thought I’d end up being a victim giving evidence in court 😖. My neurologist thinks I’ve had two MS relapses. Both have been in that house.

I think there is some part of my ex who thinks the house still has something to do with him. And on odd occasions my eldest would suddenly talk about when Daddy lived with us. This would happen after contact with his Dad which I don’t see as  a coincidence. I mean what normal Father would bring these memories back to a child? For my eldest this meant that he remembered the incident in April and all the shouting that was targeted at me by his Dad.

Moving gave me a chance to clear out everything in the house from top to bottom. Get rid of everything I didn’t want. This includes possessions as well as some memories.

First contact after 6 months.

So arranging the contact wasn’t stress free. But I did what I thought was best for the boys and that is to have contact with their dad. I’m not sure when my ex and his family will realise they can’t just get what they want whenever they want it. Even although bail conditions are lifted for some reason his mum was still the one messaging. It took a few hours but it was slowly arranged. 

The night before my anxiety levels increased and I lay awake thinking how good or bad the handover with the kids could go. 

The day the kids were to be dropped off we had swimming lessons and then a party. As expected the boys didn’t want to leave the party and since it was in someone’s house we stayed most of the afternoon. I had to persuade them to leave and felt my anxiety rising. I had to see and have contact with my ex after having no contact for 6 months.

So I text to say when we were free and went to the neutral meeting point. That’s when I realised I was angry. Angry that he hadn’t even bothered to reply saying the time was okay when he had asked for me to let him know if we were ready early so he could do something (it was a secret what). Very little was said to each other and the boys went away happy. 

But I was left with a torrent of emotions that I’m only starting to think about and understand. I was surprised how angry I felt. The sheriff did this to me, she allowed contact again. She made my eyesight get worse (MS symptom) as my stress and anxiety gets worse. 

He brought his new girlfriend (to be fair I also had my partner for safety). I felt confused that I felt nothing about seeing this girl. She’s an idiot, she’s stood by him after going through court with his wife as his victim. She listened to my partner give evidence about what happened that night. She’s got a child who she should be protecting. she’s stupid as it will be her next. But that’s on her not me. 

The meeting was over in minutes and I couldn’t even look at him. I felt sick knowing that he still didn’t think he has done anything wrong. But then that means he probably hasn’t learnt from his behaviour. So it will probably happen again. But next time will it be worse?

The kids both told me that they didn’t want to go and then changed their mind at the last minute. This is more confusing I don’t know what they are really thinking and what they might be saying as they think it’s what I want to hear.

Still waiting real results

So court was called again. And none of us expected what happened. Court sentencing was deferred for 3 months for good behaviour and to consider a non harassment order to be put in place. 

I’ve been working with people from a local group equivalent to women’s aid. And even they have never seen anything like this before. All my anxiety and fear has came back that I was slowly getting over. 

Initially there was shock and anger that the sheriff had done this. But as I speak to professionals and take some time to reflect I realise that this could be exactly  what I need. Contact is being reestablished in a safer way. While the court are still watching him. And if over the next 3 months he can’t keep his temper then it will be worse for him at court and hopefully he will finally realise he can’t treat me like this.

Court results due

So the day is finally here, he’s been found guilty and he’s going to be sentenced. I’ve been really busy at work recently and I got a call quite early from my Mum to say that court had been deferred again and she didn’t know why.

I started to make some calls to find out what was going on. It turned out the sheriff/judge who heard the trial had been called into another case. So now it’s another week until we find out what he’ll be sentenced.