So my ex is having another baby. Which is fine by me. Not that I was consulted. But I was hoping that this would take up his time and he would effectively leave me alone.
But I get a message today to say the baby has died and they are booked in for a still birth this Saturday. Can I keep the boys as he’s meant to have them this weekend. (Not a problem). But he also says he wants to tell the boys what’s happened (they are both under 6)
I ask if he should consider saying to them that he made a mistake there is no baby and avoid the details? I’m thinking what is best for the kids here. This could be traumatic and we should be protecting them.
I wasn’t expecting this reply that I got.
“I understand why you suggested that way but I don’t feel comfortable dismissing the baby like that. They have seen a scan photo in a frame in our living room and will see the frame I plan to make for the baby and will wonder who it is. I think maybe keeping the chat on par with how we told them about x (the dog) may be more appropriate. I know they will have a very limited understanding but I’d like to still give the baby a place in their memories. I won’t involve them in the funeral though, I think that’s an area they can be kept out of but maybe when they are much older they can come to the grave side.
I doubt the boys have said much to you but we have talked about it quite a lot. As in we count the seats in the car and seat number 7 is for their brother or sister, they understood that their toy room was to change into a bedroom but we’d still always make room for toys, they chatted excitedly to gramma the last time telling her about their new baby brother or sister and showing her the photo. I don’t think covering up would work for them or be fair to them or to their baby brother. I think more that I need to think what to avoid, for example not say dying or dead and I wondered what you had told them about (the dog). I wonder if heaven is a concept which may be ok if we don’t relate religion to it.”
Please be honest with me anyone who reads this. If he was still in a relationship with the mother then I could understand this. But he’s moved on to the next person. I believe he also asked for this baby to be aborted and then a paternity test, he had known about the baby for a few weeks.
Surely bringing young children into this adult situation is not appropriate. I’m beginning to question his motives and ability to protect the children he already has.
I feel I have to add, I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone and I feel for them, I really do. But the children do not need to be involved in this. They are too young. They don’t need to be told and then reminded about a sibling that died who was going to be raised from the start outwith a relationship.