Take the godamn photo thoughts.

Have you seen that blog about a mum pleading to dad’s to take the photo that captures a moment with the children? blog link here
So as I’m sitting with what feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders my mum friends are chatting online and sending pictures of their baby bumps.
Ive had this realisation before, but for some reason it really bothers me tonight. I have 1 photo of my baby bump through my 2 pregnancies! And when I took the photo that I do have I was told I was being ridiculous and I can have photos of a baby soon instead of photos of me. After that I don’t think I took any photos second time round.
Those of you who have read any of my blogs will know that my marriage was tainted with domestic abuse. That relationship ended 2 years ago. But I am still only just realising the true extent of what I went through although I know is it is nothing compared to what some women experience.
But you can move on and you can become stronger.

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Working after being a victim of domestic abuse.

Firstly I want to say that I don’t see myself as a victim although my training shows that I am. I’m sure I’ve never directly stated where I work or what I do on here. I find people make judgements and this is something I would rather avoid. I posted a while ago about my ex husband being charged with a domestic offence against me and the months after. What I don’t think I mentioned was that I worked in the Social Work Team dealing with Criminal Justice reports and more recently managing a case load.

Over the past few months I have been considering how appropriate it is for me to work in this area following the charge against my ex husband. My working role includes writing reports for people who have been convicted of a domestic offence against their partner or former partner. More recently my role has also managed domestic offenders and completing work with them to reduce the likelihood of reoffending.

We were sent an email at work a few months ago to nominate ourselves for domestic abuse awareness training in relation to writing the reports. The email said it was compulsory and so I chose a date and sent it away. During the morning of the training a previous manager caught my eye and signed to me that I should leave if I needed to. She had supported me through the offence going to court and realised before I did that this course was going to have a negative impact on me. I sat through the morning session and realised that I was taking little in and slowly withdrawing. I didn’t want to be part of this training and I wanted a way to escape. So I took notes, lots of notes about the course. When we were asked to do group work, I said little. I realised at that time that I needed to change where I work and quickly.

At the morning coffee break the manager came to sit with me and said she was sorry I should have never been asked to come on this training. And then I explained to her that today was also the day that my ex is back in court for sentencing. She took one look at me and told me that I shouldn’t be there and to go back to the office and work. The relief was instant. But on the drive back I realised that what had been difficult about this was that I had been abused in other ways psychologically and I had never realised it. That’s what was effecting me the most.

I hate that my ex husband has done this to me. I wanted to work in Criminal Justice and now I cant even face the work that I trained to do. I realised during the morning session that I could no longer do this and I need to change the sector that I work in. In the next few days an application should be submitted for me to transfer to a different department and hopefully I will get a transfer quickly.

The call to tell me what happened in court didn’t come through until 4.30pm. He was admonished for the domestic and fined for the driving offence. I have to say this makes me question my work further. What is the point in writing reports for the court if they make up their own minds anyway and drag people through court for there to be no real repercussions. 

 

Reflecting

What happens when you look in the mirror and you don’t like the person you’ve become. Or been made into.

I know I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and its probably just starting to ease off and that’s why my body is reacting this way. I feel so tired and I don’t know if its the stress, the pressure I’ve put on myself or my Multiple Sclerosis.

I’m continually being made to look at my past just now and the decisions I’ve made. And quite honestly I’ve had enough. I just feel fed up in general and that’s effecting my day to day mood and my patience.

I’ve had time to reflect on the things that I’m not happy about just now and something has started to become obvious to me. I don’t like parts of the person I’ve become.

When I think about it now I realise that I have probably experienced years of emotional abuse. But as I start to reflect on the things about myself that I’m not happy about then I start to realise what I can do to fix them and why I’m not happy about them.

My partner and I have worked through trust issues and other emotional scars from previous relationships but my latest realisation I wasn’t aware of until a few days ago. I’m realising that I’m holding back on so many things within my personal relationships. I don’t think I was at the start of our relationship and I only have one reason for that. I didn’t care, I could be myself and if my new partner didn’t like it then he could go and find someone else and so would I. But I’m forgetting that’s the person he fell in love with.

But now I’ve fallen in love my previous experience tells me that if I do something wrong then I pay for that emotionally and he’ll treat me like crap. So I defend myself and hold back so that I don’t get hurt again.

My partner and I used to pride ourselves on our communication. If we had a problem then we spoke about it, but recently we’ve lost that. I think that is both our faults as talking didn’t actually make things better for a while, it just made us relive what was already bothering us.

But as our lives start to move on and we move on together then we need to start communicating again like we did before.

 

Kids being collected after court.

Every week my exes mum has been collecting the boys. Last weekend his sister was visiting so she took a turn, I gave her a load of things that belong to my ex that I found and also all the photo albums. I felt that it’s been unfair he got to start afresh, took his stuff with him and I’m left sorting out the joint stuff. I have photo albums from holidays and our wedding. What am I meant to do with them? So I decided that it was his turn to make a decision. I gave them all to his sister to give to him.

The morning after court his mum was picking up the boys again. This time someone was with her, I could see the passenger door open but not who was inside. It was his brother! They have now all had a turn at coming to my house. This must be further manipulation or control on their part and I’m getting fed up with it! But then his brother gave me my bag back with the photo album in it and said his brother doesn’t want them. So still I’ve to decide what to do!

I wanted to walk over to the bin and put them straight in, but I thought I’d be the bigger person and not do that. There was a chat with his mum who admitted my ex had been suspended during the court case and may loose his job now that he was found guilty. I could see the hurt in her. But they don’t believe what he’s put me through and that this was escalating out of our control, I had no choice but to phone the police. And it was his actions not mine, how can I be blamed for any of it.

I was surprised that when all of this happened I felt nothing. It felt like I was being told something sad about a stranger.

The court day is here!

I’ve been waiting for this day, finally some closure to the end of this horrible experience. I’ve blogged about the incident here.

I took a day off work as I suspect I will be distracted and not be able to focus. Surprisingly I was OK in the morning until my Mum text around 10am to say she was at court for the outcome and his family had traveled to support him. I’m not sure why this got to me so much but that was me. I couldn’t concentrate and was dreading everything that was going to happen that day and the repercussions.

The next I heard was at 10.30, court still hadn’t started. I was getting worse and the next few hours were awful. I had to give up doing any work at home, I couldn’t concentrate. Around 1pm my partner text me to ask if I had heard anything and that since court would stop for lunch we had some respite for an hour.

Then my mum called, court had stopped for lunch and would be going back at 3.30, but it was going well (for me). I got a brief update where my ex had tripped himself up several times saying it did happen then it didn’t. He also did things that I think probably incriminated him more. I started to relax and feel better. I finished the work I had to do off and picked up the kids.

About 4pm my mum called, it was over. He was proven guilty. What a relief, bail conditions remain in place for just under another 4 weeks and then he will be sentenced. I think the court is considering putting a non harassment order in place too, this could help until things have settled down now. But just now it’s just a relief.

The night before court.

I’m surprised at myself at times through the last few weeks. My stomach had lurched when something relates to the court case, something on TV about domestic cases or just thinking it will be over soon.

I can’t describe how thankful I am that this is nearly over. But I wasn’t expecting the nerves that I’ve felt today. All day my stomach feels like its been doing somersaults at the thought of this being over tomorrow. I’m hopeful it’s finished and hoping to finally get an answer. But there is some dread there too. What will he do when the outcome is given or more realistically how does it effect me. Will he hound me once again or will things finally get better.

Is a Mother’s love unquestionable?

I know I would do anything for my boys but there are things that I hope they would never expect or ask of me.

After court I want nothing to do with my ex, his family or this house which is where the incident happened. I didn’t think those feelings could be so strong. His siblings sat in court and glared at me and my family as if this was my fault. I hope that one day they find out the truth and know what kind of man my ex really is.

The following weekend I expect that the weekly contact between they boys and their dad will be off as his mum was the 3rd party and she’s just had a heart attack. But no I can’t believe it they are getting her to run up and down a 5 hour round trip from her house so he didn’t miss a weekend. I understand wanting to see the kids, but would you risk killing your mum in the process? This seems a new low even for all of them.