I’m feeling a whole rage of emotions today. I’m not sure if I should be telling him how I’m feeling and that he’s pushed me too far this time. But I think that’s me trying to make him do the right thing, by giving him a hint.
Soon I’m actually going to have to think about what I do next. How I tell him it’s over and why.
This isn’t meant to be a traditional dear John letter, it’s more a I’m not happy but I’m hoping that you can make me happy.
I’m not happy just now, I feel like I am walking on eggshells and I’ve done that before and don’t really want to do that again. Bu the first thing I want to make very very clear is that I have not met anyone else. I haven’t even looked at anyone else.
Trust has been an issue for us both from the start, we’ve both had difficulty in the past. But I’ve learnt to trust you in as far as I don’t think you would ever cheat on me. But I’ve lost trust in other areas and I’m not sure if they are reparable now. It will all depend on today I suppose.
When you have young kids you forget that other people aren’t up as early as you, so although its my mid morning, some people are just up. This has been driving me daft since it happened. I don’t do arguing or falling out and not speaking. It seems such a waste of time. Why should I waste my time not talking to someone, and that’s anyone.
I made a decision yesterday and I truly hope that I am wrong. You stopped talking to me on Monday night, we messaged a little yesterday (Wednesday). But it was not on speaking terms. Every time we have fallen out I have “chased” or tried to make things better. But I just don’t have the energy anymore. If you are not interested then why should I be making the effort to make things better again. You think that this is all my fault, but in reality it isn’t. It is every girl in your life that has ever screwed you over. And the reality is I have never done anything to hurt you. Meeting a male friend for lunch that I’ve been friends with for over 10 years or swapping numbers with a football dad to keep him up-to-date on the kids football. Yeah they give you trust issues, but I’m not actually doing anything wrong.
I decided yesterday that you have to make an effort to show me that you want to be together. And I don’t think its too difficult or out of line. Today is my birthday, you have until 3pm today to make some contact, otherwise I don’t know why I’m bothering if you cant even make an effort on my birthday. Deep down you know that I’m not doing anything wrong so the least you can do is make an effort to reconcile this once. I feel that if you can continue to not talk to me on my Birthday it really says more about you than me.
When things are great they are fantastic. You are so much fun to be with and we have a great time. I know that isn’t possible all the time but its hardly happening at all just now. I want things to go back to us having fun. And while kids and life get in the way it should still be possible sometimes hopeful most of the time. But first of all our relationship needs to be built on trust and if you don’t or can’t trust me then we don’t have anything to built or relationship on.
For some reason lying in a MRI machine makes me reassess my future life decisions. Thankfully I don’t think too much about the past since its out of my control anyway.
After my first appointment with the MS specialist I was given a follow up scan with a contrast dye. The theory is that if the lesions are active I start medication. The scan was this morning and started with me being told they didn’t know I was to get a dye and I would have to wait for someone to be present to administer it. So we had a 45min wait for my new appointment time. It wasn’t worth going home so we waited about the hospital. There is something about hospitals that make me feel too well to be there (I suppose that’s a good thing).
The nurse got the cannula put in easily and I was ready to go for my scan. As soon as you head is held in place you feel like you have to move! 2 scans were done before the dye was administered and another 2 scans were carried out. The results should be back in less than 2 weeks. (We’ll see as it took weeks the last time)
But describing the scan wasn’t my reason for this post. Lying still with no distractions and only my thoughts I got time to really think.
What if my MS gets worse, will I regret things that I didn’t do sooner? Now I know some things are out of my control, like winning millions (even though I try really hard). Most importantly I want to do what is best for the kids and they hold me back making some of my bigger decisions. For example I’ve been with my partner for over a year now and we want to live together. But then there are so many what if questions. I’ve been in this house for 8 years and it’s been a stabilising factor for the boys since they were born. But I really feel ready to move house. It seems like a waste of finances and added stress to move house and then a short while later move in with my partner.
Maybe for now although the MRI has made me assess my future I need to live in the present and let the future take care of itself.