I realised that I can’t wait till 3pm, I have children to collect. Children to look after and I need to be prepared to put on a show and be happy for them.
So about 10 minutes ago I sent him this message
“I wish I could talk to you, but I can’t right now. It hurts too much. I can’t believe you would ignore me on my birthday.
I can’t help you anymore, you need to learn to help yourself. Me avoiding all male contact isn’t helping you, it’s reinforcing your beliefs that I can’t be trusted.
You will go through this with any girlfriend you have unless you can exclude them from all contact with males.
I love you but I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry xxxx”
My friends all told me I was being stupid that he would realise what he had done and would be sorry today. I am so disappointed that they were all wrong. Since he hasn’t even replied to my message.
I’m feeling a whole rage of emotions today. I’m not sure if I should be telling him how I’m feeling and that he’s pushed me too far this time. But I think that’s me trying to make him do the right thing, by giving him a hint.
Soon I’m actually going to have to think about what I do next. How I tell him it’s over and why.
So I’ve put a time frame on this today. And some might think its harsh and others might think I should just get it over and done with.
But there are 2 sides to this, I hope I’m wrong and he can get himself together to at least wish me Happy Birthday, I feel this way I am at least giving him a chance. It might seem selfish, but its my Birthday, why should I be chasing him and reassuring him.
Do you know what I think I might be most disappointed about. I took 3 days off work this week to spend time with him and he left sulking. Today, my birthday, I have spent alone. I though he might have wanted to try and take me out or something. But no, it makes me feel like I don’t mean enough to him.
And on top of the feelings that I have today I also have to explain to my parents tonight when they visit why he hasn’t bothered to see me today.
I’m not sure why I’m upset about this when I’m not surprised. I wasn’t expecting him to be in touch with me as he blames me.
But in the last hour he has posted on social media “Don’t tell someone to get over it. Help them get through it” I just feel there is not much more that I can do now to help. His answer that I should not talk to other males, isn’t an answer. In fact I think that’s control.
This isn’t meant to be a traditional dear John letter, it’s more a I’m not happy but I’m hoping that you can make me happy.
I’m not happy just now, I feel like I am walking on eggshells and I’ve done that before and don’t really want to do that again. Bu the first thing I want to make very very clear is that I have not met anyone else. I haven’t even looked at anyone else.
Trust has been an issue for us both from the start, we’ve both had difficulty in the past. But I’ve learnt to trust you in as far as I don’t think you would ever cheat on me. But I’ve lost trust in other areas and I’m not sure if they are reparable now. It will all depend on today I suppose.
When you have young kids you forget that other people aren’t up as early as you, so although its my mid morning, some people are just up. This has been driving me daft since it happened. I don’t do arguing or falling out and not speaking. It seems such a waste of time. Why should I waste my time not talking to someone, and that’s anyone.
I made a decision yesterday and I truly hope that I am wrong. You stopped talking to me on Monday night, we messaged a little yesterday (Wednesday). But it was not on speaking terms. Every time we have fallen out I have “chased” or tried to make things better. But I just don’t have the energy anymore. If you are not interested then why should I be making the effort to make things better again. You think that this is all my fault, but in reality it isn’t. It is every girl in your life that has ever screwed you over. And the reality is I have never done anything to hurt you. Meeting a male friend for lunch that I’ve been friends with for over 10 years or swapping numbers with a football dad to keep him up-to-date on the kids football. Yeah they give you trust issues, but I’m not actually doing anything wrong.
I decided yesterday that you have to make an effort to show me that you want to be together. And I don’t think its too difficult or out of line. Today is my birthday, you have until 3pm today to make some contact, otherwise I don’t know why I’m bothering if you cant even make an effort on my birthday. Deep down you know that I’m not doing anything wrong so the least you can do is make an effort to reconcile this once. I feel that if you can continue to not talk to me on my Birthday it really says more about you than me.
When things are great they are fantastic. You are so much fun to be with and we have a great time. I know that isn’t possible all the time but its hardly happening at all just now. I want things to go back to us having fun. And while kids and life get in the way it should still be possible sometimes hopeful most of the time. But first of all our relationship needs to be built on trust and if you don’t or can’t trust me then we don’t have anything to built or relationship on.
I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is depression, but I know I might need to look into it in the near future. I’ve done a lot of research on MS symptoms and side effects.
One of the things I’ve read is that people need to be aware of is that MS seems to be linked to depression. I can understand it, personally I’ve been fortunate. Before the onset of MS I had perfect vision and was fairly active, in fact I had recently took up jogging before my diagnosis. Now my vision needs a minor prescription and I’m not quite as active. But others are left with debilitating conditions and a decrease in their ability to manage independently.
I’ve been dealing with a lot recently: a bad house move, raising 2 children myself, MS diagnosis and not to forget my ex husband appearing in court for a domestic offence against myself.
But I was surprised when sitting at the theatre about a week ago I got into a conversation with the lady next to me and her three children. Her children who were in their 30’s each had a mild learning disability. However the one sitting next to her had a severe fear of heights and since we were in the first row at the highest section this wasn’t a good combination. He was anxious whenever someone stood up and if anyone put their coat or a drink on the ledge in front of our seats. It may have been the alcohol but I found myself thinking about how easy it would be to jump over the edge and stop all these difficulties in my life. One jump and I would have no more court cases, no more being told what to do, no more arguments, no more fighting, no more tiredness. Just peace.
Life has got really busy. To the point that I’ve fallen behind and struggled to keep up. But over the next few days I’m planning to catch up and start blogging again.