Tag Archives: love

30 minutes left

 I realised that I can’t wait till 3pm, I have children to collect. Children to look after and I need to be prepared to put on a show and be happy for them.

So about 10 minutes ago I sent him this message

“I wish I could talk to you, but I can’t right now. It hurts too much. I can’t believe you would ignore me on my birthday.

I can’t help you anymore, you need to learn to help yourself. Me avoiding all male contact isn’t helping you, it’s reinforcing your beliefs that I can’t be trusted. 

You will go through this with any girlfriend you have unless you can exclude them from all contact with males.

I love you but I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry xxxx”

 

My friends all told me I was being stupid that he would realise what he had done and would be sorry today. I am so disappointed that they were all wrong. Since he hasn’t even replied to my message. 

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1 hour left

I’m feeling a whole rage of emotions today. I’m not sure if I should be telling him how I’m feeling and that he’s pushed me too far this time. But I think that’s me trying to make him do the right thing, by giving him a hint.

Soon I’m actually going to have to think about what I do next. How I tell him it’s over and why.

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2 hours left

So I’ve put a time frame on this today. And some might think its harsh and others might think I should just get it over and done with.

But there are 2 sides to this, I hope I’m wrong and he can get himself together to at least wish me Happy Birthday, I feel this way I am at least giving him a chance. It might seem selfish, but its my Birthday, why should I be chasing him and reassuring him.

Do you know what I think I might be most disappointed about. I took 3 days off work this week to spend time with him and he left sulking. Today, my birthday, I have spent alone. I though he might have wanted to try and take me out or something. But no, it makes me feel like I don’t mean enough to him.

And on top of the feelings that I have today I also have to explain to my parents tonight when they visit why he hasn’t bothered to see me today.

 

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3 Hours Left

I’m not sure why I’m upset about this when I’m not surprised. I wasn’t expecting him to be in touch with me as he blames me.

But in the last hour he has posted on social media “Don’t tell someone to get over it. Help them get through it” I just feel there is not much more that I can do now to help. His answer that I should not talk to other males, isn’t an answer. In fact I think that’s control.

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Dear John letter

This isn’t meant to be a traditional dear John letter, it’s more a I’m not happy but I’m hoping that you can make me happy.

I’m not happy just now, I feel like I am walking on eggshells and I’ve done that before and don’t really want to do that again. Bu the first thing I want to make very very clear is that I have not met anyone else. I haven’t even looked at anyone else.

Trust has been an issue for us both from the start, we’ve both had difficulty in the past. But I’ve learnt to trust you in as far as I don’t think you would ever cheat on me. But I’ve lost trust in other areas and I’m not sure if they are reparable now. It will all depend on today I suppose.

When you have young kids you forget that other people aren’t up as early as you, so although its my mid morning, some people are just up. This has been driving me daft since it happened. I don’t do arguing or falling out and not speaking. It seems such a waste of time. Why should I waste my time not talking to someone, and that’s anyone.

I made a decision yesterday and I truly hope that I am wrong. You stopped talking to me on Monday night, we messaged a little yesterday (Wednesday). But it was not on speaking terms. Every time we have fallen out I have “chased” or tried to make things better. But I just don’t have the energy anymore. If you are not interested then why should I be making the effort to make things better again. You think that this is all my fault, but in reality it isn’t. It is every girl  in your life that has ever screwed you over. And the reality is I have never done anything to hurt you. Meeting a male friend for lunch that I’ve been friends with for over 10 years or swapping numbers with a football dad to keep him up-to-date on the kids football. Yeah they give you trust issues, but I’m not actually doing anything wrong.

I decided yesterday that you have to make an effort to show me that you want to be together. And I don’t think its too difficult or out of line. Today is my birthday, you have until 3pm today to make some contact, otherwise I don’t know why I’m bothering if you cant even make an effort on my birthday. Deep down you know that I’m not doing anything wrong so the least you can do is make an effort to reconcile this once. I feel that if you can continue to not talk to me on my Birthday it really says more about you than me.

When things are great they are fantastic. You are so much fun to be with and we have a great time. I know that isn’t possible all the time but its hardly happening at all just now. I want things to go back to us having fun. And while kids and life get in the way it should still be possible sometimes hopeful most of the time. But first of all our relationship needs to be built on trust and if you don’t or can’t trust me then we don’t have anything to built or relationship on.

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All the things I should say ❤

I started this blog a few months ago before life got hectic. But now after my reflection blog I think this is the time to go back and finish this.

To my boyfriend (sounds like we are kids), my partner (sounds like a work thing), my other half (just meh nothing else). Hang on I’ve got it. To my beacon of love (sorry inside joke, that’s if he remembers saying that).

I don’t say it enough how much you mean to me and how much I rely on you. It’s all the little things together that makes me love you more.

We’ve not had the best 1st year together. But you’ve stood by me when others would have ran. Your right I probably  wasn’t ready for a relationship. But I fell for you hard when I let my guard down and gave into what I was feeling for you. But this is something I don’t tell you enough.

I was used to doing everything myself and someone pretending that they were there for me. But now I really do have you with me always. You’ve been with to every appointment at the MS clinic which you know means so much to me. There are times when I’ve wanted to give up and run away but you’ve kept me strong. Even just to listen to my moans or dry my tears.

The same can be said about the court case where still all I can think about is the nightmare of giving evidence which still haunts me some nights and then running into your arms when they finally stopped after two hours of me giving evidence. I can still see the concern on your face and your anger in your voice as you asked “what the hell happened in there”.

But as I love you more and more each day I find myself becoming more distant with you when I want the complete opposite. I want to give you everything and I know that’s what you want (you tell me often enough).

I have no problem telling you that I love you and I do tell you often. But I really struggle to compliment you and tell you what I’m actually thinking. But then recently I realised I cant cope with getting compliments from you either. I have my reasons and this is something I want to work on and improve in our relationship and I want your help to do it.

Love? So many questions without easy answers.

I recently got out of a long term relationship and have started a new relationship but now I have more questions than answers again.

What is a rebound relationship?
I knew my marriage was over in February, but didn’t officially separate until May, he moved out in June. I met my man in June just after he moved out. I went a little wild (or wild for me) and saw a few different guys between May-June so I don’t feel I jumped into this relationship. It just kinda happened.

We met up most weekends to start with and I won’t lie it made sure I was kept busy while the kids weren’t there. We went out drinking and I probably socialised more then than I have for a long time.

But really I’m not a big drinker and either is he. So soon our nights became staying in watching films or chatting. With the occasional night out.

I’ve been hurt several times in the past. Mainly through cheating but I just trust this guy. He gives me no reason to doubt him and reassured me on the occasions that I’ve needed it.

I worry that I’ve really just entered a rebound relationship. But then would I feel the desire at really odd times to tell him that I love him?

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I’ve been thinking of previous relationships when I’ve told people I love them. I can’t remember who said it first or anything about it.

Although I think I might remember one and being in a panic since I didn’t feel the same.

Now I’m confused that I feel I want to say I love you but I don’t know if it’s the right time. Should I tell him in a special way or more likely for me blurt it out one day when I’m not thinking and I don’t have my brain to mouth filter switched on. But I’m nearly saying it more and more so one day it’s going to come out before I realise what I’ve said.

But is it a problem to tell someone that you love them? I’m pretty sure he feels the same the way he looks at me. So what am I waiting for really?

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