Tag Archives: relationships

30 minutes left

 I realised that I can’t wait till 3pm, I have children to collect. Children to look after and I need to be prepared to put on a show and be happy for them.

So about 10 minutes ago I sent him this message

“I wish I could talk to you, but I can’t right now. It hurts too much. I can’t believe you would ignore me on my birthday.

I can’t help you anymore, you need to learn to help yourself. Me avoiding all male contact isn’t helping you, it’s reinforcing your beliefs that I can’t be trusted. 

You will go through this with any girlfriend you have unless you can exclude them from all contact with males.

I love you but I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry xxxx”

 

My friends all told me I was being stupid that he would realise what he had done and would be sorry today. I am so disappointed that they were all wrong. Since he hasn’t even replied to my message. 

56160386

 

 

1 hour left

I’m feeling a whole rage of emotions today. I’m not sure if I should be telling him how I’m feeling and that he’s pushed me too far this time. But I think that’s me trying to make him do the right thing, by giving him a hint.

Soon I’m actually going to have to think about what I do next. How I tell him it’s over and why.

57686916

 

2 hours left

So I’ve put a time frame on this today. And some might think its harsh and others might think I should just get it over and done with.

But there are 2 sides to this, I hope I’m wrong and he can get himself together to at least wish me Happy Birthday, I feel this way I am at least giving him a chance. It might seem selfish, but its my Birthday, why should I be chasing him and reassuring him.

Do you know what I think I might be most disappointed about. I took 3 days off work this week to spend time with him and he left sulking. Today, my birthday, I have spent alone. I though he might have wanted to try and take me out or something. But no, it makes me feel like I don’t mean enough to him.

And on top of the feelings that I have today I also have to explain to my parents tonight when they visit why he hasn’t bothered to see me today.

 

start-to-panic-only-2-hours-left.png

 

 

3 Hours Left

I’m not sure why I’m upset about this when I’m not surprised. I wasn’t expecting him to be in touch with me as he blames me.

But in the last hour he has posted on social media “Don’t tell someone to get over it. Help them get through it” I just feel there is not much more that I can do now to help. His answer that I should not talk to other males, isn’t an answer. In fact I think that’s control.

hurry-but-keep-calm-only-3-hours-left-2

 

Dear John letter

This isn’t meant to be a traditional dear John letter, it’s more a I’m not happy but I’m hoping that you can make me happy.

I’m not happy just now, I feel like I am walking on eggshells and I’ve done that before and don’t really want to do that again. Bu the first thing I want to make very very clear is that I have not met anyone else. I haven’t even looked at anyone else.

Trust has been an issue for us both from the start, we’ve both had difficulty in the past. But I’ve learnt to trust you in as far as I don’t think you would ever cheat on me. But I’ve lost trust in other areas and I’m not sure if they are reparable now. It will all depend on today I suppose.

When you have young kids you forget that other people aren’t up as early as you, so although its my mid morning, some people are just up. This has been driving me daft since it happened. I don’t do arguing or falling out and not speaking. It seems such a waste of time. Why should I waste my time not talking to someone, and that’s anyone.

I made a decision yesterday and I truly hope that I am wrong. You stopped talking to me on Monday night, we messaged a little yesterday (Wednesday). But it was not on speaking terms. Every time we have fallen out I have “chased” or tried to make things better. But I just don’t have the energy anymore. If you are not interested then why should I be making the effort to make things better again. You think that this is all my fault, but in reality it isn’t. It is every girl  in your life that has ever screwed you over. And the reality is I have never done anything to hurt you. Meeting a male friend for lunch that I’ve been friends with for over 10 years or swapping numbers with a football dad to keep him up-to-date on the kids football. Yeah they give you trust issues, but I’m not actually doing anything wrong.

I decided yesterday that you have to make an effort to show me that you want to be together. And I don’t think its too difficult or out of line. Today is my birthday, you have until 3pm today to make some contact, otherwise I don’t know why I’m bothering if you cant even make an effort on my birthday. Deep down you know that I’m not doing anything wrong so the least you can do is make an effort to reconcile this once. I feel that if you can continue to not talk to me on my Birthday it really says more about you than me.

When things are great they are fantastic. You are so much fun to be with and we have a great time. I know that isn’t possible all the time but its hardly happening at all just now. I want things to go back to us having fun. And while kids and life get in the way it should still be possible sometimes hopeful most of the time. But first of all our relationship needs to be built on trust and if you don’t or can’t trust me then we don’t have anything to built or relationship on.

keep-calm-only-4-hours-to-go

All the things I should say ❤

I started this blog a few months ago before life got hectic. But now after my reflection blog I think this is the time to go back and finish this.

To my boyfriend (sounds like we are kids), my partner (sounds like a work thing), my other half (just meh nothing else). Hang on I’ve got it. To my beacon of love (sorry inside joke, that’s if he remembers saying that).

I don’t say it enough how much you mean to me and how much I rely on you. It’s all the little things together that makes me love you more.

We’ve not had the best 1st year together. But you’ve stood by me when others would have ran. Your right I probably  wasn’t ready for a relationship. But I fell for you hard when I let my guard down and gave into what I was feeling for you. But this is something I don’t tell you enough.

I was used to doing everything myself and someone pretending that they were there for me. But now I really do have you with me always. You’ve been with to every appointment at the MS clinic which you know means so much to me. There are times when I’ve wanted to give up and run away but you’ve kept me strong. Even just to listen to my moans or dry my tears.

The same can be said about the court case where still all I can think about is the nightmare of giving evidence which still haunts me some nights and then running into your arms when they finally stopped after two hours of me giving evidence. I can still see the concern on your face and your anger in your voice as you asked “what the hell happened in there”.

But as I love you more and more each day I find myself becoming more distant with you when I want the complete opposite. I want to give you everything and I know that’s what you want (you tell me often enough).

I have no problem telling you that I love you and I do tell you often. But I really struggle to compliment you and tell you what I’m actually thinking. But then recently I realised I cant cope with getting compliments from you either. I have my reasons and this is something I want to work on and improve in our relationship and I want your help to do it.

Fighting with everyone 

Last year I published a blog with all the good things that had happened to me and all the bad things. When I wrote it there seemed to be positives to balance out the negatives.

But this year I’m just fed up, I feel like I’m fighting with everyone.

With everything that has happened this year I’ve been close to breaking point a few times. But this house has just about sent me over the edge. I finally lost it and couldn’t keep myself composed about a week ago. In fact it was boxing day, we went to the cinema to see the new Star Wars film and stopped at the new house on the way back.

I found myself looking around thinking I’ve had enough. I cant do this anymore, everything feels like a fight and I have little fight left in me.

 

Fighting might be too strong a word but its close to how I feel in every area.

Work – I’ve had to complain about my manager about my temporary manager as he’s worse than useless.

My partner – I get it, he’s been having a difficult time with everything. But it just means that I am taking the brunt of it all. Everything wrong in his life is my fault. So I have to be strong for us both and take the shit he throws my way.

House – It’s like a fight everyday to do something to the house to make it liveable. And then this brings in defending myself to everyone close to me as to why I’ve chose this house. It’s not like I can change it now.

Ex husband – Not much has changed here I am just fed up with it. Everything seems like a fight. He wants everything his way and when its not I’m threatened with lawyers. I wish he would go to a lawyer! Then my parents are clearly not his biggest fan so they have a go at me for everything that he does and that he should have no contact with his children. Which is clearly not possible or fair on the kids.

MS – Its like a fight everyday to work through tiredness and stay positive that my whole life wont be turned upside down by it.

Kids – The boys are just being boys. They want to run around and play, they have energy they want to burn. But at my parents they aren’t allowed to move. Every time they move they are told they are going to break their neck or another bone in their body. If they make a noise I’m told they need to get out the house. (This was even on the same day that the youngest has a sickness bug.) I would never take the kids out when they are ill. But staying here I have no choice as it stressed out my Mum them being here.

Sleep – My younger brother has came home for Christmas. There has been clear favouritism for years but living in it makes it more apparent somehow. 

An example – I have nowhere to live due to the difficulties with the new house so I’ve came back to my parents with the kids for the past month. Tonight I’m told no one can stay in the room I’m in until it has been cleaned properly. However my brothers room is fine (he threw up on the floor the other night!!)

This has led to my youngest sleeping in the same bed as me. This may not seem like a big thing. But at three years old he cant sleep in one place. Honestly he is up crawling about the bed in his sleep! While typing this blog he has kicked the laptop at least four times after I have moved him back to the other side of he bed. With MS this isn’t practical, I’m terrified I’m going to cause myself to relapse with the amount of stress and fatigue that I’m putting myself under just now and not having a chanceto sleep properly to try and contract any of the harm being done.